Lesson #36

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Grammar.

This is a fact: I am not attracted to people who use terrible grammar.

I'm sure any grammar guru would instantly call me a hypocrite because I am positive that the way I form sentences on my blog is not grammatically correct. That's just the way it rolls off my brain. So no, I am not a grammar nazi, but I do expect people to be able to tell the difference between there, they're, their and your, you're.

Just saying.

SO. Let me help you.

There: in or at that place, "They have lived there for years."

They're: contraction of they are, "They're very nice people."

Their: belonging to them, "Their dog is lovely."

Your: belonging to you, "Your hair is so shiny."

You're: contraction of you are, "You're the meanest person ever."

Now that we've covered the basic horrific grammar mistakes, let's talk about punctuation.

Punctuation, especially on the internet or in a text, adds a certain tone to a conversation or statement. When you add exclamation points after every sentence, you sound ridiculously excited or happy, even if you don't wish to convey a feeling of loving life. Here's an example:

Oh my gosh I am so mad at my mother! She is crazy! Sometimes she makes me pancakes when I want french toast! It drives me insane! I want some bacon right now! What I'm really trying to say is I have no idea why I love exclamation points because none of these sentences needed one!

Was the voice in your head a little girl with an extremely high voice? Ya, me too. So now we address the use of all caps. When I write sentences or parts of words in all capital letters, I am trying to convey a feeling of angst. That's what it sounds like in my head - someone screaming at me. So please don't write normal things in all caps. It's like someone is screaming:

I LOVE MY BIOLOGY CLASS IT IS GREAT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. WHY ARE TEDDY BEARS ALWAYS BROWN? I GUESS BARNEY IS PURPLE, SO THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I REALLY NEED A HUG.

Why are you shouting these things at me? No need. The last point I'd like to make is the use of the 3 periods (...). It sounds like a creepy voice when I read it, and it especially drives me crazy after every sentence, especially when you should be putting a question mark at the end of a question. For example:

You guys are great...Can I come over....How was your weekend...You look really cute....I wish your mom was here...

...creepy.

ps. I am doing well, not good. Good is an adjective, well is an adverb. When you're describing an action, you use the word "well." You are a good person, and you are doing well in art. Got it? Good.

Lesson #28

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1. Graduation.

The day of freedom will soon be upon us...kind of.

As of right now, I am on track to graduate in December. This mostly depends on my laziness (a.k.a. taking fewer classes in a semester and graduating in April) or on a paid internship I just applied for (I'll let you know what I hear!). But whatever I choose, I will be graduating within a year or so.

I should be scared, right? I feel like I'm supposed to be terrified of the real world, so much so that I even consider grad school. There are some legitimate fears. All of us juniors/seniors in college know that getting any job (let alone our dream job) right out of college is a feat. There are other concerns, such as worrying about healthcare, taxes, and not moving back in with our parents.

In all honesty, I am extremely excited. I'm excited to get a real job so I can finally pay off my student loans. I am excited that I will be at liberty to watch all the movies I want in the evening without worrying about finishing up my homework for the next day. And I am SO EXCITED that I will have graduated from this infamous university as a single woman!

I've heard a lot lately that I shouldn't be comfortable being single. I've also heard that while I'm making my glorious plans to run away and travel and do good things and be happy, I should really think about settling down - not so much as in plan my life around getting married, but definitely expect it and welcome it with open arms. At the very least I should be prepared. I know a good majority of you read this blog because I have strong opinions that you find amusing, and I certainly don't want to disappoint you. Therefore, as you might have predicted, I am at opposition with people of the general thought that I should be preparing for marriage and working it into my plans.

Do I want to get married? Sure. Someday. Do I think about it? Sure. Sometimes. Do I think about it when making life plans? No, not really. I plan my life around me - my dreams, my ambitions, my goals. I can do this because there is no "other" in my life. It's just me. Maybe you think I'm selfish, and you may think as you wish. But while you're critiquing my life I'll be loving every minute of it.

I have never felt more confident and more happy in my entire life than I have in realizing that as a single college graduate I can do whatever the hell I want. I suppose that now I've publicly made this statement that the vengeful gods will send some gorgeous man to waltz himself into my life. And I suppose that when it happens, we will deal with it then.

Lesson #23

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Group projects.

Let's just cut to the chase and admit that group projects are the worst thing ever invented. You would think that in college they would a little bit easier to coordinate, but it is a lie. I feel like it's worse in college.

In high school, the smart people to idiot ratio was ridiculous - it had to have been 3 idiots to every semi-intelligent person. It always seemed like I was doing a project all by myself and putting everyone's names on it. But in college we're all supposed to be smart. Now it's a ration of 3 lazy people to every person who actually cares.

I understand that group projects are supposed to help us prepare for the real world because that's what we'll mostly be doing in our future careers. Yet I think professors are forgetting something...IF I AM GETTING PAID TO DO SOMETHING, OF COURSE I'M GOING TO COOPERATE WITH A GROUP. In college, some people could care less about their grade, thus jeopardizing the group and their grades.

Please just let us pick our own group. Please.


2.) First dates.

Let's just say it.

First dates suck.

And first dates especially suck in the LDS culture.

Here's a breakdown of how it happens:

Step #1: He asks her out.
He notices her. He tries talking to her. He fails multiple times. He finally succeeds. He waits until the tenth time he's talked to her to finally ask her out. Or ask for her number. If the latter, he takes him much longer to finally work up the nerve to ask her out.

Step #2: Thinking of the activity.
This one is tricky. He doesn't want to pick something lame but he can't bring out the big guns yet. Oh no, that's for the second date. He contemplates a group date, but really he just wants to be with her. He finally settles on bowling and frozen yogurt - always a safe choice, he thinks.

Step #3: Picking her up.
This can be made awkward by several situations. He has a hard time figuring out where she lives. He walks in to only have to spend two minutes with her scary roommates who won't stop staring while his date finishes getting ready. This of course includes him practically hugging the door, half in and half out of the apartment. When his date comes out, he chooses not to comment on her dress but really to just start running away.

Step #4: Judging/activity.
The next 3 hours is spent asking questions, telling jokes, and starting to get to know the date. This is also what we call torture. Another term, more commonly used, is judging. 3 hours of judging. This is especially in evident in LDS culture. All that's going through his mind is, "Can I spend the rest of eternity with her?" With their potential marriage on the line, 95% of girls won't make it to the second date.

Step #5: The drop off.
This is the most crucial part of the whole experience. It is in this moment that he will find out if she wants some more. He walks her to the door, making weird small talk, and finally arrives at the destination. This is it. They both acknowledge that they had a great time. Hug. She leaves.

Step #6: Analyzing.
Now he will spend the next 2 days analyzing what had happened. "Did I have a good time? Should I ask her out again? She did say she wanted a big family... Was she interested?" And then, of course, he will probably chicken out. Thus the cycle starts again with the girl he sits next to in spanish class.

Lesson #17

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Hideous blog layouts.

Yes, I know the layout for my blog is totally gay. I have no idea how to fix it, so until someone shows me you're going to have to read my [mostly] sarcastic commentary with an extremely girly and possibly immature background.

2.) Teachers that can make or break a class your education.

I am currently studying the french language. No, I am not fluent. Yes, I do suck at it. HOWEVER, I love it. It's a curse really, loving something you're not very good at. C'est la vie, n'est pas? I've unfortunately had the opportunity to speak with two of my french professors in the past 4 months that have each asked me if there is another major more suitable to my strengths. It really hurts having people, especially professionals in the field, not believe that you can do it.

These wonderful encounters with each of the professors reminded me of a most beloved choir teacher in high school. Not only did she personally not like me, but she made it clear that she didn't believe that I had what it took to excel in music. I kept trying to tell myself not to listen, but her attitude towards me affected me deeply. It didn't matter that I had sang in prestigious choirs or that I received extremely high scores from judges at competitions - she didn't believe in me, and I in turn couldn't believe in myself. Since then, I have regrettably given up on my music and the dream of singing professionally. I continue to sing, but mostly in the kitchen while I cook.

When I fell in love with french, I was super nervous because it isn't something that comes as easily to me as music does. So to have not one but two professors, on top of my apprehensions, tell me that I should study something different was really not the best thing for me. It was then that I thought back on what had happened to me a few short years ago and I realized something - I can do it. I should do it. And yes, I will do it.

So suck it Mrs. N. Je ne vous ai pas besoin.

I'm gonna learn the freaking language. Once this is accomplished I'm going to change the world. After that I am going to write a book about my experiences and I will dedicate it to those who didn't believe in me - without you guys, I would never have pushed myself so hard to be where I am today.

Lesson #14

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Blasphemous professors.

I was fortunate enough to take a class from a very confused old man during the last few months. It really has been quite the adventure. Somewhere between him claiming that he was really supposed to have been born in 1872 in Germany because of a dream he had and his moving stories about throwing sticks before he hurt his knee, I was struck with an idea - I need to have a dream explaining why I prefer nature to modern (and distasteful) industrial life. I mean, if his dream explained why he felt like he never fit in with technology and why he prefers wearing wool vests with wooden buttons, then surely God would give me a dream to explain why I love nature and soaking up the sun for hours and lathering mud all over my feet!

So, of course, I did dream about how I was supposed to have been born a tree in 1753 in Canada. I guess the angel with the list (who may or may not have been my roommate) forgot about me and the only place that was left for my spirit was in the body of a girl born in 1990 in the US. She had to live in Nebraska, which is the reject of all the states, but the angel promised me that there would be lots of trees so I would feel at home. I jolted awake from my dream [that happened to take place while I was fully conscious] and I ran around for joy. Finally! My strange tendencies to roll around in mud and turn green were explained! I was supposed to be a tree!

Thank goodness my professor was able to open my eyes and help me to realize my true potential. For our last class together today, he dressed up as the man he was supposed to be (authentic wardrobe and everything) and was able to be "in his element," as he put it. He inspired me to do the same - tomorrow I am going to stand in the park, drink water through my feet (not as easy as it looks), and photosynthesize. I encourage all of you to find your real self by dreaming about who you were really supposed to come to earth as and chase your dreams, just like me and my professor. Don't forget to share your special revelation with everyone you know and even those you don't!

Lesson #3

Today's Lesson Objectives include...

1.) Find that one song that is so catchy it's annoying and sing it all around the apartment until everyone wants to shoot you.

My advice: pick a random song from a random musical. Sure, they may find it extremely annoying and want to bite your head off and feed it to the creepy kid who cuts the lawn out front, but soon enough they'll start singing it too. And when they start singing it, they start to love it almost or just as much as you do. Then you can create amazing musical fusion right in your own apartment! It's a great way to fix rivalries or release tension. I think this will eventually cause world peace and save many lives, to which I will not receive credit for.

2.) Think about your interests, skills, and values before you have to write them down.

The adviser I talked to today asked me to make a list of 25 interests of mine, 25 skills I possess, and 25 things I value. You think it's easy until you have to write it all down. I ended up having to say that I am interested in eating food, I am skilled in the art of procrastination, and I value facebook. If this was a grade I would surely fail...which means I fail at life! Don't make the same mistake. Create your list right this second! Then you will have it handy for the next time someone asks.

3.) Watching movies from your childhood is always a hilarious experience.

All the movies that must be re-watched:
My Neighbor Totoro
Space Jam
Swan Princess
Princess Bride
pretty much any Disney movie

Make this your weekend to-do list.

Lesson #2

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Midterms don't really matter if you've got a bag of oreos and some crazy music.

Your study sessions will never happen if you've got 2 or more girls with some major ADD and no desire to do homework, especially if you've waited until 1am to get started. So kick back, relax, and realize that you were going to fail that stupid test anyway. You might as well gain a couple pounds while you pass away your precious sleeping time talking about ridiculous boys and laughing at facebook pictures.

2.) Write yourself some letters so you don't feel like an idiot when you're the only one who doesn't receive any mail.

I'm writing 7 missionaries and a couple friends from back home and I still don't get any mail! I'm almost sick of waiting for the stupid mail truck everyday at 3:30pm when there's nothing to show for it. And what's worse is that I'm the first one there and I'm always the one with NO mail, minus some retarded ads for 30% off the next time you get your wisdom teeth out. Do someone a solid and write them a sweet letter or send them a cheesy card - it's the thought that always counts. Besides, there's a good chance their camping out by the mailbox waiting for their life to take some new direction.

1.) Don't let your uncertain future affect the way you live today. (You need a real lesson every now and then!)

I've been totally stressing in the past couple of days about my major and trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm stuck between trying to take one day at a time and being able to decide my major so that I can graduate in the time I was hoping to, between trying to figure out myself and the person I want to be or should be, between figuring out if I should go the distance with my education or just take the bare minimum. I decided to go to the advisement center on campus and talk to someone who could help me figure out a major for me, or at least point me in the right direction. While I was waiting on the bus for my stop, I picked up a school newspaper that was on the seat next to me. The cover story was about one of President Monson's talks at General Conference, and it read "I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future. Instead, find joy in the journey now." I felt so silly for being so blind to it all. Basically, all I'm trying to say is keep your eyes on the future but don't let go of today. It's all you get for the time-being.

Lesson #1

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Never leave your apartment without your ID card if you plan on taking a test that day.

If a 20 minute walk to campus doesn't sound bad enough, try forgetting the most crucial item of your college life in your freaking apartment so you have to make 2 trips to campus. Oh, and it's to take an exam, which you never wanted to do in the first place. So at the end of the day you're grumpy from failing a test written in another language and walking till your legs fall off. Bad plan.

2.) Putting off homework is a bad idea but can greatly improve your social life.

Homework is lame sauce, and your freshman experiences only come once! Besides, you have 3 more years to bring your gpa back up. Even if you have absolutely nothing to do, avoid homework at all costs. Go listen to music, create inspirational messages to hang all over your apartment, stare at your roommate until they realize you're not talking anymore, or facebook it up. Chances are you're going to get married and drop out of college anyway, so go do something stupid.

3.) The roommates start to get a little crazy after 10pm, so watch yourself.

As we speak, my ridiculous "roomies" are taking insane pictures of themselves. They're not those cute funny pictures either. Pretty much I could print them off and send them to a mental institution as proof that those girls that live across the hallway need to be locked up. They are a danger to society at 10pm, and a danger to themselves after midnight. It's best to just let them do their own thing before they decide it would be better if you were doing it with them. Don't aggrivate the situation - they'll be normal by morning...hopefully.