Here we go again...

Peoples of the world.

I thought I would take a longer break from blogging but GUESS WHAT! I am incredibly bored. And I have this insatiable desire to have everyone listen to what I have to say. Not that it's important.

I will word-vomit as follows:

1. Being back feels totally weird and completely natural. I am at all times feeling 1,000 emotions surging through my soul and I'm not quite sure what to do with them all. Mostly I just hide in a corner of my house and nibble on Wheat Thins. Healthy? Not so sure. But it's better than thinking about wearing pants and talking to boys about something other than missionary work.

2. Coming off the plane and into my family's arms was like stepping through a veil - is it strange that my mission memories are fading so quickly? It feels like a distant memory that was maybe just a dream.

3. Oh my gosh the bread here in America is so gross.

4. I LOVE DRIVING.

5. I still can't sleep in past like 8am no matter how late I go to bed. I feel guilty not talking to people on the street. I check for my nametag at least 3 times a day. I AM WEIRD.

6. So basically the first thing everyone has said to me since I've been back is, "Oh, look at you! You are so skinny!" as if it was like the compliment of the century. I would love to rant about this some other time, but let me just advise you to NOT SAY THAT TO ME. EVER.

7. All the men here wear waaaay too big of pants.

8. I'm really tired.

9. All I want to do is write write write. I will be working on some things. I hope you all still read my blog. If you have any topic suggestions, questions, or concerns, please inform me so I have an excuse to take a long bath to ponder the creative possibilities.

10. That is all.



Peace.

You better believe I came off the plane in that dress.

Lesson #46

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) PDA

I feel like I've already addressed this issue, but I'm bringing it up again. My friend Amanda suggested it to me, and so here I go.

I HATE PDA.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for 100 years, PDA = public displays of affection.

Now, I know some of you might say something to the effect of, "Oh, so I'm not allowed to let my boyfriend know how much I love him in front of his friends?," to which I might reply, "Does your tongue have to be in his mouth to let him know you love him?"

However, I understand there are different levels of PDA, and some may or may not be appropriate to share with the world. Let's break it down into 5 bases (from my version of baseball):

Base #1 - Staring longingly at each other.

If this happens during lunch, fine. Whatever. Sometimes it's actually hilarious to watch as you flirt shamelessly across the room. Just don't do it near me. It freaks me out in close quarters.

Base #2 - Holding hands.

I find this acceptable in public with moderation. I just really despise the couples that HAVE to be holding hands ALL THE TIME. For example, there was a couple in one of my classes that held hands during class, and the girl always sat in front of the boy. HOLY AWKWARD. And uncomfortable-looking. How could they enjoy that? I also hate when people are walking through a tight space and refuse to let me pass through them without breaking their hands, so we end up doing this creepy version of "London Bridge." Hate it.

Base #3 - Cuddling.

Some of you might say that this comes before holding hands in a relationship, but in public it usually comes after. Aaaand it's repulsive. You just look super awkward and you make everyone else feel that way too.

Base #4 - Kissing.

I've always hated people kissing in public, and I've never done it myself. I feel like those moments should be kept private, even if it's just a "peck." That word itself suggests you're a bird. But "passionate" kissing should ALWAYS be withheld from the public's eyes. It's just wrong and you look stupid.

Base #5 - Kissy pictures on facebook.

Two things to address here. First off, I understand that this cannot be the last base. I did take a sex ed class, so I know the drill. However, where I live no one makes it past this point, and if they do they are eternally punished unless they're married. Even then no one likes talking about it, so this is as far as we get. Second on the agenda, YOUR KISSY PICTURES DO NOT BELONG ON FACEBOOK. Ooooo they are so nasty. And weird. And just dumb. I KNOW you're in a relationship with her, it says so on your info tab. You don't have to prove it by documenting your love-making that nobody wants to see. And again, it just looks weird.

That is all on this topic of conversation.

Lesson #30

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Hot lunch.

Remember how in elementary school "hot lunch" was the shiz? Me too. I waited patiently for every other Friday when crispitos were graciously served and my mom would let us buy one. I was obsessed with those things, and thinking back on it I don't even know what they were really made of. But that doesn't matter - it's the principle of the matter. Buying lunch at school was cool because a.) Mom never extended beyond the boundaries of a turkey sandwich and carrots and b.) it meant awesomeness, that somehow you were better than all the other losers that had to bring "cold lunches."

Well, the tables have turned my friends. It is no longer kosher to buy food at school and be cool. No, if you do that everyone thinks you're fat and/or lazy. Bringing your own food from home now implies 2 things, namely a.) you're frugal and/or b.) you're healthier (maybe) and/or c.) you're somehow less lazy than the person who was running late in the morning and didn't have time to stop and make a freaking sandwich.

I'm probably being confusing right now. That would make sense, because my brain is being very confusing right now. BUT LISTEN. I really do have a point. That is...

Stop JUDGING me when I buy food on campus and it's NOT a SALAD!!!

I see all those eyes staring at me when I pick up some Chex Mix from the vending machine on my way to class or when I'm absolutely craving a Charleston Chew and I eat it on the way to work. It's not ok. You a.) make me feel fat and b.) make me want to punch you and c.) make me want to record all the calories you consume during the day in secret. After that you might not want to show your face in public because HEAVEN FORBID you ate a cookie for breakfast.

The fact of the matter is I'm embarrassed to eat in public. No. Scratch that. I'm afraid to eat on campus unless it's a celery stick. That's not ok. I'm a good person! I sometimes eat like crap but I sure as heck don't look like it! So stop judging.

Please and thank you.

Lesson #21

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) The 3rd wheel.

I think that's my official title. The 3rd wheel. The extra girl that never has a date but we'll bring her along because she amuses us.

What I really want to get at here is that there is nothing wrong with being the 3rd wheel as long as the couple is behaving themselves. So here are some ground rules I think these couples need to go over before inviting a friend to join them:

a. Don't be affectionate. I'm pretty sure there's nothing worse than sitting across the table from your friends watching them snuggle and kiss and hold hands. This will bring up one of two thoughts, namely "Wow, I am a loser. Why the heck am I incapable of securing a date for the evening?" or more common for me, "Do I look like that when I'm kissing? Sick." But usually it just turns into, "I'd rather be doing homework."

b. Be actively engaged in conversation WITH THE 3RD WHEEL. It's soooo annoying when the couple has their own side conversation, leaving the 3rd wheel to feel completely and hopelessly awkward.

c. If the 3rd wheel has volunteered to drive, don't you dare sit in the back with your lover. Doing so has subjected your friend to feel like the chauffeur, thus contributing to the dislike of being around you two.

I would say the most important rule would be...

d. Don't invite a third person.

The end.

Lesson #18

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Mumblers.

One of the many frustrating things in this world for me is mumbling - I just can't stand people who don't know how to open their mouth wide enough to let real words come out. Maybe it's because I have such a big mouth and I constantly use my "outside voice", but am I really crazy for demanding people to speak more clearly?

Here is an example conversation (based on a real one):

Me: Hey! How is it going? I haven't see you in ages.

Mumbler: Oh, I'm good. You?

Me: Perfect. What have you been up to lately?

Mumbler: Well, not too much...asdlkfjweknfasd;lierfnalskvjnde;ginwjkdjnslkgjad;lkfnsdlckjdfvnefklsdkja;dlfjkasdflkj.

Me: ...mmk it was nice seeing ya!

These conversations only get worse when you're forced to talk to chronic mumblers over the phone. I feel like I'm constantly saying "What? I can't understand you. Try opening your mouth and talking into the phone. I can't make out your throat noises." What really sucks is that everyday I have to speak to a mumbler in French. Yet not only is he a mumbler, but he has a Creole accent on top of his Quebecois French accent. No, I can never understand what he says. Yes, I do avoid him at all costs. I could go on and on with this subject but let's get to the point:

a. Learn to speak.
b. Try increasing the volume.
c. Don't EVER talk to people on the phone.

Lesson #12

Today's lesson objectives include:

1.) Wanting to die.

Recently I've become a victim of annoying myself past the point where it's allowed.

You know what I mean, right?

That feeling where words are flowing out and you feel like you really shouldn't be saying those words but for some reason you keep going until you reach the point where you really can't stop or backtrack = my life at the present moment.

I have been officially annoying myself (and others - they too are included in this cycle of death). It's disgusting. I've been involved in some conversations lately that I just wish had never happened, or at least not the parts where I babbled about absolutely nothing and then proceeded to relay all the information that has been stored in my brain; this information includes but is not limited to what I learned in class on a particular day, my deepest darkest secrets, and what I think about the current political situation in Haiti.

I might also add that it doesn't really help when you're trying not to make a fool of yourself in front of a certain someone, yet this is still accomplished because for some reason you're going through a "why am I not shutting up?" phase.

I guess this lesson we've learned here is:

a. Learn when to shut up.
b. If you feel like you might be annoying, you probably are.
c. I use way too many run-on sentences.

Lesson #7

Today's Lesson Objective is:

1.) Awkward people smiling awkwardly in awkward places.

It's just my luck that I happen to be one of the most unsmiley people in the world, especially in one of the most smiley places on earth. I just attract the strangest half-smiles all over the place! They are commonly the result of one of two situations.

First - I will catch someone staring at me, but it's not even in an appropriate people-watching place. They'll be sitting right across from me on the bus, and for some reason think they can get away with staring at me without being noticed. Then they finally realize I'm staring back at them, and they give that weird, half smile thing like we're best friends or something. My conclusion only comes to two options: they think I'm freaking hot or hideously ugly. In any case, why the freak are they smiling at me now? Is it supposed to make me feel better, especially since I just caught them judging me? Retards.

Second - The awkward bathroom smile. It's the WORST. It always happens in the same sequence; I come out of the stall, go to the sink to wash my hands, look up in the mirror and BAM! Some freaky chick next to me is smiling that sick half/awkward smile I despise. WHAT THE FREAK. I just can't tell if it means "I just heard you crap but it's ok because it's totally normal" or "I like your hair but I'm not going to say anything and the next best alternative is to smile creepily" or maybe even "I'm bathroom stalking you...if I kinda smile, maybe you'll finally notice". All of the above = nast.

Moral of the story: Just don't freaking smile unless you have a freaking good reason.


I'm moving to France.