#WhyTheyAbuse

In case you’re willingly blind to the feminist happenings of the world at the present moment, which unfortunately is the current state for so many of you, allow me to invite you to the conversation of a movement that is [rightfully] receiving a lot of attention:

#16Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence 

As some of you may know, I am currently employed at a domestic violence* shelter that services a large metropolitan area, so this particular facet of gender-based violence has become of great interest to me. I have always been extremely passionate about women’s rights (duh) and dismantling the evil of patriarchy, and having the opportunity to work with and for the women in my community is an incredible learning experience that I believe has enabled me to become a better feminist.

*Domestic violence has been defined as "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. [It] can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person."

This new experience has also allowed me to tune in even more closely to the conversations addressing domestic violence issues, most of which seem to be heading in a productive direction. There are, however, still some lingering problems that I believe are born of the patriarchal subconscious. I would like to address one of them.


With statistics as high as 1 in 3 women experiencing domestic violence at some point in their lives in the US and 35% of women worldwide (that's over 1.2 billion we're talking about), we've got an extremely prevalent and rarely addressed problem on our hands.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the #WhyIStayed hashtag trend, or seen brave women such as Ms. Steiner explain the dynamics and consequences behind women who find themselves in domestic violence situations with people they once loved. You’ve maybe wondered why on earth women like Janay Rice decided to go ahead and marry her abuser, or pondered about what you yourself would do in a similar situation (though I’m sure your hypotheticals would do you no good if you found yourself such an environment).

The thing is, when we talk about domestic violence, our society at large seems to forget* an extremely important part of the problem: the ABUSERS, the majority of which happen to be men. 

*[I would also like to add that a very significant number of men have experienced  or will experience domestic violence as well, which adds a whole different dynamic to the conversation of things we forget about or ignore when addressing violence. I would love to write more about this later, but in the meantime you can read more about male victims of violence here.]

We have created a culture that blames victims so effortlessly it’s a little scary. Women are seen as rude for not being flattered by street harassment. Women are at fault for sexual assault because of what they were wearing. Women are stupid for staying with their abusive partners. How has the conversation turned toward the victim so easily? How have we been missing the one vital mark of the entire incident, that SOMEONE HAS CAUSED HARM AND WE HAVE WRITTEN THEM OUT OF THE DIALOGUE? 

Let's change the conversation. No person in a domestic violence situation needs to explain to the world why they stayed or justify their [misguided] love or have physical evidence that they were “truly”being abused, which is unfortunately a tragic reality for so many victims. 

Let's instead demand that every single abuser must be accountable for and face the consequences of their actions. Let's help them to understand and seek the necessary counseling they need so they never hurt again (can we get a new #WhyIHurt hashtag trend to replace the #WhyIStayed??). Let's provide more trust and assurance to victims who are already scared for their lives and well-beings. Most importantly, let's identify patterns of violence in our communities, in our families, and in our own lives and intervene before it takes a turn for the worse.

And that includes all of you, men of this world - grow a pair and finally stand up to your dude friends who make inappropriate or violent jokes about women or rape or harassment of any kind. It starts with the actions or thoughts that are painted as "harmless," and it can end with the people around you taking it seriously. 

Please watch this video, it will change you life. Especially you, men.

And then check out this website for more awesome information on a program that has proven to significantly reduce violence in communities across the US by empowering people to stand up to and change patterns of violence. 




Stay classy, folks. And remember, you CAN do something about it.

Guest Blog Post: 4 Ways You Can Have a Major Feminist Impact on the Men in Your Life

Alright. It's been a while, I know. I've been busy coming up with lots of excuses for why I don't take the time to enlighten the world anymore, but I'm too lazy to share any of them. So I'm sharing something my friend wrote instead!

Whitney was one of my companions on my mission in Germany, and besides being pretty great she also happens to be a really talented writer. In fact, she champions her own awesome blog with her husband about their writing escapades. So when she asked if she could write something "feministy" for my blog*, the immediately answer was something to the effect of, "YES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE." 

*I would like to add that I claim all responsibility for inspiring her feminist dreams. 

I hope you enjoy - feel free to share your thoughts and hopes and dreams below!

..................................................

4 Ways You Can Have a Major Feminist Impact on the Men in Your Life

A few days ago, I asked my husband if he considered himself a feminist. “No” was the simple answer.

“What do you consider yourself, then?” I asked.

“I don’t consider myself anything. I just think that men and women should be equal and it’s a simple, reasonable thing to expect.”

As much as we agree on so many things about how things should be different in society, he plans to go without a label. He goes without a label because as Lesa has once pointed out, “feminism” is a new-age F-word to people who don’t quite understand the term or the people using the label. He doesn’t call me a feminist, either. He just calls me his equal.

So, to my fellow sisters and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’d like to share four ways you can help your guy friends—in and out of the church—realize that they’re probably feminists too; they just don’t realize it yet.

1. Don’t Lecture—Share

John M. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, knew when communication between spouses were a bust just by a tell-tale sign he calls “stonewalling.” He basically says that sometimes two people fight so much about something, that one person has a dramatic monologue and the other person doesn’t even bother arguing anymore; they disengage.

If you want to be a good influence on men or women, you can’t let them start to disengage. A way to do this is to have a two-way conversation, rather than a rant to finally hash out all your frustration you have against society on one poor person.

Guys don’t like to be lectured to, especially about feminism. If you need further proof, just check out #NotAllMen. Guys know that men mistreat women, and being blamed for all those mistakes is not something they can champion for you.

Instead, share. Have a conversation. This would mean that you’re sharing your thoughts about a subject, and you ask for his opinion. He’s allowed to have an opinion, right?

He’s going to realize at one point or another that he really does agree—that might not be until he’s got a little daughter of his own. Give him the benefit of the doubt; he needs to hear what it’s like to be a woman to really understand the daily ways he can show more respect to women. However, you can’t be responsible for changing his world in a day.

2. Don’t Divide—Show Your Support

Rather than hating on all guys, show how you personally value priesthood holders in your life. If you really believe in equality, look out for their rights, too.

They have to get “the talk” about porn, missions, and being temple-worthy just as much as we are pressured to get married, have kids, and dress modestly. How would you like sitting in a white shirt and tie and be lectured at for an hour on pornography or masturbation? They understand us more than we think.

Feminism has become so vile in the mouths of men (and women), because it plants the idea in their minds that by being a feminist, you must hate all men, or put them all on the same level as vile, untrustworthy, and incompetent. Well, we know that’s not true.

We can show legitimate support for the men that hold the priesthood—not merely because they hold the priesthood, but because they are mortal men trying to be worthy of the power ordained of God. They want to use their authority to bless their families and their community, so why not give them the confidence they need to do it?

3. Don’t Complain—Offer Solutions

It’s hard being in your 20s and all of a sudden, a world of hatred, misunderstanding, and injustice is unfolded before you. What’s a woman to do? I highly doubt that what I do will ever change the whole world in a day, but I know I have a small realm of influence that I can slowly improve with much more time.

If you feel like the women of the gospel could use a better example, why not be one? If they need a more fulfilling role in the ward you’re a part of—ask your bishop what you and the sisters can do. Find the boundary between what is gospel and what is "just the way things have always been” and help where you can actually help change something.

In essence, you can preach to your brothers in the gospel or nonmember friends until you’re blue in the face about what needs to be changed—but unless you have legitimate solutions or suggestions, it’ll only sound like ranting. Rantings give men the invitation to start stonewalling, and at the end, no one wins.

4. Don’t Get Mad—Get Spiritual

Instead of being upset with the fact that you can’t change others, be at peace, knowing that you can change yourself. Don’t let others bastardize your beliefs or testimony.

General Conference has come and gone. Who has enlightened you to recognize what you can do to change, and give you that power to change?

You can be a catalyst for change. Just don’t let it consume who you are and what you believe. As in, if you spend too much time devoting time trying to change other people, it will lead to a lot of frustration and self-doubt. I had a lot of that on my mission, trust me. People change when they want to, and on their own terms.

Trying to Be a “Good” Feminist

There is a famous logical fallacy called fallacy of composition, or basically thinking that what is true of a part must be true of the whole group. That would be like high school friends thinking that you had three moms. They heard one story about polygamy and thought it applied to everyone.

While this is considered a bad way to argue anything, what if men and women thought Mormon women were kick-ass and spiritual because they knew you? The media seems set on how they view us as women—subservient or whiny—and they don’t seem ready to change their minds. If that’s not who you are, then you can influence the people around you by your testimony and your genuine personality.

Know that Heavenly Father gave you a beautiful mind and spirit; He trusts that you will create small victories in this world to bring people closer together and hopefully closer to Him and His love. 

Whitney, a BYU graduate, is a writer, editor, and Pinterest addict. She claims that she realized she was a feminist in Germany as a sister missionary. Germany can do interesting things to the heart. 

You can find details about her current writings and obsessions through her website: witandtravesty.wordpress.com

"Hey, baby!" and other awkward moments.

Man staring at me while I was filling up my car at a gas station: "Hey, baby. Why don't you smile? You're sexy, I bet I'd like your smile."

Me:  --->

                        

Anyone who thinks we don't need feminism or that we're "past it" should try being a woman in public. I can promise you that every woman I've met, whether she claims to be feminist or not, has experienced some form of sexual harassment. On the street, in the workplace, at school, even at home, I repeat: I have never met a woman who hasn't experienced some form of sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment is "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature." This can include various levels of offense, including cat calling, unwanted touching, sexual assault, and even whistling. The UN has a specific list you can find here. This is of course not limited to women - men can be and often are the victims of sexual harassment as well, though the majority of victims are female. Internationally, studies show that between 70-99% of women experience some form of sexual harassment at some point in their lives.

There are a thousand stories I could tell you, stories that belong to me and stories that have been relayed to me by other women. They include (but are not limited to) tales of rape, incest, cat calling, public humiliation, vulgar body motions, verbal abuse, and being stared at in a violating way. It's humiliating, degrading, and offensive. All of these stories have lead to fear, anxiety, and often depression in our lives, and we do not enjoy certain privileges, such as walking alone, day or night, without being on our guard because we're always trying to think of ways to protect ourselves should something happen. These experiences have plagued our lives, and all because we have a vagina.



I could write a book on my thoughts, but I don't have the energy. I guess what I wanted to say is that I'm just tired. I'm tired of this being a part of my life. I'm tired of hearing similar things on the news every single day and things hardly seem to be getting better. I'm tired of people making jokes or blaming the victim. I'M TIRED OF MEN DOING HORRIBLE, DEGRADING THINGS TO WOMEN. Why is this still happening? Why is it still accepted? Why are people standing by, letting it happen without saying something? Why do some find it funny? Why are people not worth more to you?


This is the part where I give you some resources. And you will do something about it.

-Hollaback: A nonproft and movement to end street harassment. http://www.ihollaback.org/
-Buy a "Cats Against Cat Calling" shirt! http://www.feministapparel.com/products/cats-against-catcalls-t-shirt-tanktop-profits-from-this-shirt-go-to-hollaback
-Watch this documentary about Anita Hill: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN8FDRIy-LE

Any other suggestions?



  

To be discreet and chaste.

It's finally summer! Time to put away the heavy German winter garb, pull out my sunglasses, buy a bikini...what?

Now calm down people, I'm not buying a bikini. But the fact that you got a little worried about it is probably something we need to discuss.

Thanks to the sudden presence of the sun, it seems that everyone is getting themselves in a tizzy about one of my favorite words: modesty.

Actually I'm joking when I say that, in case you didn't pick that up. It's not one of my favorite words.

This is what the Church says about it:

"Modesty is an attitude of propriety and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves.

If we are unsure about whether our dress or grooming is modest, we should ask ourselves, 'Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord's presence?'

Prophets have always counseled us to dress modestly. This counsel is founded on the truth that the human body is God's sacred creation. We must respect our bodies as a gift from God. Through our dress and appearance, we can show the Lord that we know how precious our bodies are." 

All of that seems somewhat reasonable to me. I like it because it centers everything around my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I personally dress the way I do because I personally believe that I am showing respect to the body that God gave me...and all that jazz.

The interesting thing is that the Church gives guidelines for how we should dress. For example, we have (as women) been asked not to wear, "Revealing and sexually suggestive clothing, which includes short shorts and skirts, tight clothing, and shirts that do not cover the stomach," among other things. That's fine. I don't have any problems with that for myself. This is what I ABHOR:

1. Viewing those who don't follow these guidelines as "immodest," "indecent," or worse, as "sluts".
2. Using the word "slut."
3. Something that we discuss often in the feminist world known as "slut shaming." Look it up.

Modesty is quite often, especially in the beloved Mormon culture, equated with words like "chaste" and "pure" and "virtue." To illustrate a point, and since I'd rather not phrase it in my own words, I've collected words from a source that you probably trust more than my brain. The following quote is from the same website:

"Our clothing expresses who we are. It sends messages about us, and it influences the way we and others act. When we are well groomed and modestly dressed, we can invite the companionship of the Spirit and exercise a good influence on those around us.

Central to the command to be modest is an understanding of the sacred power of procreation, the ability to bring children into the world. This power is to be used only between husband and wife. Revealing and sexually suggestive clothing, which includes short shorts and skirts, tight clothing, and shirts that do not cover the stomach, can stimulate desires and actions that violate the Lord's law of chastity."

Bah. If that doesn't directly influence rape culture, I don't know what does.

Let's get a couple things straight.

What I WEAR is dependent upon ME and MY PERSONAL PREFERENCES. I do NOT wear "modest" clothes in order to NOT BE RAPED or NOT INFLUENCE IMMORALITY. I hear too often that women need to dress "appropriately" in order to "help" dudes not have "immoral thoughts."  Or whatever.

Listen to me, men. 

YOUR IMMORAL and OBJECTIFYING THOUGHTS ARE YOUR OWN DAMN PROBLEM. Don't you EVER blame a woman and her "indecency" for your obvious problems with sexuality.  

And to the women.

Do not let other people define your worth. Don't let them tell you that if you wear a bikini or a short skirt that you are worth less or that you are dirty or cheap. Don't let people tell you that you are "welcoming" inappropriate behavior from men or that you have just "objectified" yourself. But I do hope that you dress the way you do as empowerment for yourself, because you're comfortable in your style and in your body. I hope you don't dress for the sole purpose to receive any negative attention - you are better than that.

To quote a blog that I once read, 

"Modesty is not about what you wear, but about how you wear it."    

For more thoughts visit here.

ps. The blog title came from one of my favorite scriptures. Not. --- Titus2:5

Lesson #41

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Men.

So I'm going to make a plug for the lovely men in my life. I know, I know. So uncharacteristic of Lesa to be saying good things about men! Especially after my public announcement of Lesa's Life Lesson #5 and my "recent" proclaimed feminism.

I will debunk your theories with a.) I wrote that blogpost because Spandrew made me and b.) feminism loves men! They just don't like men that demean or insult or objectify or rape women. And stuff. I'll also have you know that I have a father (crazy) and 3 brothers, one of which is my favorite sibling. Some of my favorite professors are men. Oh ya, and I'm attracted to men. I'll probably marry one someday, if I can find someone who doesn't think I'm scary.

Anyway, I recently had a conversation with the lovely roommates about how men, particularly in a church setting, seem to really put themselves down. Somehow women are more kind, caring, loving, and certainly more spiritual, while men only think about sex. No, this isn't doctrine. But I feel that they really portray men as the ones who have to do all the work in a relationship and that women will have a hard time finding someone who deserves them.

Maybe this is the case for some, but it sure as hell isn't for the majority, and I really honestly mean that. Then again, I'm only speaking for the men who have graced my life with their presence, so maybe there really are some major dickheads out there. Well, who are we kidding. THERE DEFINITELY ARE. But I think most of the men in my life are amazing. I also happen to think they are waaaaay nicer and kinder and loving and DEFINITELY more spiritual. They are not better than me, but I feel a lot of the time that I don't deserve to be their sister or daughter or cousin or friend. Basically I'm glad they keep me around because we learn a lot from each other.

So men, please don't sell yourself short. You are smart enough to get into that grad school, you are good enough for that girl, you are talented enough for that job, and you are brave enough to raise a child. Don't get too into yourself though, because you are not SMARTER than others, you are not BETTER than that girl, you are not THE BEST IN THE WORLD at your job, and you're not going to be the MOST AMAZING parent in the world. We all make mistakes. You are human (and so are women, just so you know...). Just as long as you remember that then we are good.

Now for all the men I think are awesome in no particular order:

Nelson Mandela

Dalai Lama

Amartya Sen

J.M.Barrie

Abraham Lincoln

JESUS (duh)

My brother

My daddy (ps We were camping = I look gross)

ps. You guys did a freaking amazing job the other day with commenting! Keep it up because it makes me feel special. That's why I love you. Also. If you look up at the very tippy top of this page, there's a link called "Follow." Press it. PLEASE.

pss. Hahahahahahahahahaha