“The more I read, the more I acquire, the more certain I am that I know nothing.”

Alright.

I'm very aware that my blog is getting more boring by the minute. I never have time to write and when I find time, I never have anything to say. Ok that's obviously not true, I always have something to say. But who wants to hear my feminist rants all the time? Oh yes, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

I've been back from my mission for 3 months now. That's supposed to be a short amount of time but it feels like an eternity. I've been exerting every ounce of my strength trying to be "normal" again (whatever that means) and it's taking me FOREVER.

I'm going to share with you the life lessons I've learned since being home. And you are going to like it.

I know you all like lists:

1.) Catching up on the last year and a half is impossible. The second I got home I felt like everyone was saying, "Listen! These are all the things you missed! Hurry and catch up so we can be on the same page!" And then I was bombarded with information, music, images, and all the TV shows that ever existed.

I'm just going to be completely honest with you - I have no desire to see or hear or read about 90% of these things. If I happen upon them someday, sure. But I just don't have the time. Ok? Ok.

2.) I love Europe. I miss Europe. America just kind of grosses me out. It's probably just because I'm bias, but I just can't get over it. It's too hot and the bread is disgusting and everyone drives GINORMOUS cars everywhere and people are always smiling.

Good thing I'm fleeing to France.

3.) I'm terrified by how quickly I'm becoming desensitized to spiritual things. You'd think that after begging people for a year and a half to just read one tiny verse from the Book of Mormon or the Bible everyday that it would be easier for you to keep your own commitments. FALSE. When did real life start complicating lives? Why do I let real life interfere with things I understand to be of precedence? Something needs to change.

4.) You can never be too grateful for your awesome family and your amazing friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. I think the best part of coming home was realizing that nothing has really changed - sure, everyone is in different phases of their life now, but these people still know me and love me and we picked up right where we left off. I love that. You are all the best. The end.

5.) I don't know who I am anymore.

The mission really shook me. It took me a while to find my groove and even then I was always questioning myself and beating myself up over the smallest things. I came home to find that I can adapt those practices to everything in my new life. I have never felt so sure of my identity and at the same time never so lost. The only thing keeping me sane are the above-mentioned blessed people and prayer. It's ridiculous. I wish I could move on from this.




Enough with the cheese.


It's late = the only reason I'm barfing up my soul through my fingertips onto this keyboard.

I won't keep this blog up if nobody tells me what to write about. So tell me. Now.

Goodnight.

Lesson #58

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Beeeeee yourself.

Alright fools. I've been thinking a lot lately, which is only semi-unusual, and I've decided something really important.

I am Aladdin, minus his manhood and magic carpet.

As shown in the clip above, Aladdin has a hard time trying to be his real self around girls he likes. Or when he's in a situation he's afraid of. Pretty much I think I have the same problem. It's not that I'm not being myself in similar situations, I just have a hard time letting people know what I'm really like sometimes because I know they wouldn't appreciate it. Does that make sense?

My biggest problem in this area is convincing [certain] people that I'm the nicest, most humble person on the planet. People who know me well will get a good kick out of this lovely piece of imagery in their heads, I'm pretty sure. But seriously, it's a problem. I'll meet really nice guys and I know that they'd be totally turned off if they knew what I was really thinking all the time, so I only let the positive vibes flow.

Let's face it, folks. I have great potential to be a gigantic beyotch. I also have great potential to be caring and genuine. As my dentist put it this morning, "You are probably the most unique person I've ever met."

Damn straight. I'm me and I like it that way. Now to break it to some of my friends...

___________

On a side note, please be aware of one of the many conversations I enjoy with my dentist.

Dentist: Why are you making all those weird sounds? You sound like all the kids that come in.

Me: Because you're making me uncomfortable. Duh. Haven't you ever been in this chair?

Dentist: It's not that bad.

Me: Well let's just say I hate having other people in my mouth. That's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Everyone in the office: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Dentist: I can't wait for you to be a missionary.

Lesson #53

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) New-age communication.

I am in a love/hate relationship with modern technology. It's awesome how I can skype with my family, email people important things across the globe in seconds for free, and be tracked down by my mother using my cell phone coordinates. Modern communication has revolutionized the world, as we've seen from the influences of social media on the revolutions in northern Africa and how youtube made Justin Bieber so famous. He is truly a gift to this world.

However, modern technology has just become another reason in my life to accomplish absolutely nothing at the same time. How does that even happen? Sure, my constant stalking of CNN.com keeps me up on the "haps," but Netflix has ruined my desire to do anything about that information I have (I love you Netflix, don't take that the wrong way).

By far the worst thing to come out of modern technology and communication is texting. Actually, just cell phones in general. It's certainly handy when I need to get a hold of someone right away, but it totally sucks when someone needs to get a hold of me. I hate talking to people on the phone, and I only answer half the texts I receive in a day. It's not that I don't like talking to you, but that I'm too lazy to talk to you at that moment. Or for the whole day. Trust me, if you actually came over I would talk for hours. Other than that, don't expect me to respond to your attempts to contact me.

I will admit that texting is better than talking to me on the phone. It's faster, easier, and we don't have to practice any of that crap phone etiquette. Quick and to the point.

ps. I have had this song stuck in my head all day. You're welcome.

Lesson #45

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Dating.

Ok. This is a secret post, meaning I probably won't tell anyone about it so if you happen to come across yay for you. It's also embarrassing for me so I'm probably going to delete soon. Ha.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of getting comments like, "You're single? How is that possible? You're so cute!" and it's making me sick. Do you realize it's insulting? You're basically telling me that a) being attractive is all I really need to get a man and b) if I'm attractive and still single, there must be something wrong with me.

Well GUESS WHAT. There is something "wrong" with me, and it's called I have a LIFE.

For the benefit of my lovely mother and other members of my family [and friends] who think I should date more, I will explain the reasons I don't.

1. I have this weird obsession with the idea of being single and 30. Mom, don't have a heart attack when you read this.

2. I have ridiculously high standards. When I say that I mean I have very particular things that I look for in men, and if they don't possess it then I'm not interested. For example, they can't be scared of me. This is a little difficult. I also tend to dislike guys who open my car door for me. This all makes me seem snobbish, I know.

3. I'm very focused on my potential future, and I find that men can inhibit that. Not ok with me.

4. I don't touch people. According to my brother, this severely damages my prospects because apparently guys really like a girl who doesn't hug the other side of the couch while watching a movie. I can't help it, ok?! It's nothing against you.

5. Men who want relationships scare me...a little bit.

So there you have it. I should add an unofficial #6: I dream of hunky French men. And Asian men. Not a lot of those around here. Buuuuut that's beside the point. I don't date because I'm not interested in dating, and I haven't met anyone to convince me otherwise. Also, there is NO WAY anyone I date will be as lovely as Mr. Knightley. Jane Austen's characters have shattered my dreams of reality.

Lesson #42

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Everyone is terrified of me.

I have a best friend named Laura. Laura and I first [officially] met our junior year of high school in World Literature. However, we didn't become friends until our senior year in AP Literature because Laura was scared of me, and I thought she was mean.

From what I understand, Laura thought I was a "gothic emo girl who hated the world and everyone in it." That's not a direct quote, but I'd say it's pretty accurate. I'm pretty sure she just attributed this to the fact that I had really dark hair and I never talked to her. But I never talked to her because I thought she was mean!

The point is, it was all about MISCOMMUNICATION. Always.

I've heard recently about a lot of people who are terrified of me. I'm not sure why, but I give off this vibe of being the meanest person alive. That's only true depending on who you are and if you deserved it. Anyway, I feel like I'm not that mean or scary of a person, at least not once you get to know me. So I've decided to compile a list of all the reasons I probably scare people.

1 - I don't like smiling at people I don't know EVER, particularly in weird places. See post here for more details.

2 - My "resting" face is apparently a death look. And by "resting" face I mean the one I have when I'm sitting in the library not using my face muscles while I'm reading about women's education in India. Or the one when I'm just not doing anything at all. I've heard I give death threats through these looks, but I'm really not paying attention at all to my surroundings.

3 - Somebody has either pissed me off or been near me when someone/something else has. I'm not a happy camper when that happens, and, quite frankly, you should be scared of me.

4 - I handle grief very different from a lot of people. I curl up in a ball and sleep a lot, and if you try to talk to me I'll bite your ears off. I get very testy when people try to talk to me while I'm upset, and I feel bad because no body really knows how to handle it.

5 - I'm a democratic feminist who loves France.

Ok, so now you know all the reasons people perceive me as scary, you should know that my favorite color is pink and my favorite animals switch off everyday from pandas, walruses, elephants, and lorises. I cry while watching Fox and the Hound EVERY TIME. I also have lots of friends...I guess I consider this to be a sign that I'm not terrifying because multiple people enjoy my company.

So please don't be scared of me. Unless you've done something really mean to my family, which in that case you probably should be scared of me.

The end.

ps. My friend Amanda (see [a liberation broadcast] on the right -->) just gave me this lovely comic, and I'm pretty sure it's me. Refer back to #2 on the list.

Lesson #29

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Personal space.

Maybe I'm just a weenie when it comes to people invading my bubble. I've been known to get unusually flustered when people touch me during conversation or try to "cuddle" during a movie. But seriously, just don't do it. I hate it.

I know most people aren't like me in that regard, but I promise I'm not alone. Personal space is definitely cultural. For example, Haitians don't know what a bubble is and French people would rather not be within 10 feet of you if you're a stranger. Americans, however, have a nice mixture. Not too touchy but certainly more friendly. Or at least that's how it's supposed to be.

So. Let me break it down.

It is not culturally (in my book, and I am the leading expert of all things cultural) appropriate to:

a.) Touch people while talking. Unless you're trying really hard to get me to notice you or show interest, don't touch me. Don't try to carry on a conversation 2 inches from my face. Don't rub your feet on my legs. Don't try to hold my hand. It's weird.

b.) Sit right next to me in a row of empty seats. Seriously. If I even see you coming down the row and I have no idea who you are I'm putting my coat on the chair next to me. It's sooooo wrong. Leave at least 1 seat between us if you can help it.

c.) Talk to strangers in class. Or on a bus. Or in the hallway. IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME YOU BETTER HAVE A FREAKING GOOD REASON TO START A CONVERSATION. I don't know you. I don't want to tell you how my day is going. I don't want you to know how many siblings I have. It's annoying. Don't do it.


Fin.

Lesson #21

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) The 3rd wheel.

I think that's my official title. The 3rd wheel. The extra girl that never has a date but we'll bring her along because she amuses us.

What I really want to get at here is that there is nothing wrong with being the 3rd wheel as long as the couple is behaving themselves. So here are some ground rules I think these couples need to go over before inviting a friend to join them:

a. Don't be affectionate. I'm pretty sure there's nothing worse than sitting across the table from your friends watching them snuggle and kiss and hold hands. This will bring up one of two thoughts, namely "Wow, I am a loser. Why the heck am I incapable of securing a date for the evening?" or more common for me, "Do I look like that when I'm kissing? Sick." But usually it just turns into, "I'd rather be doing homework."

b. Be actively engaged in conversation WITH THE 3RD WHEEL. It's soooo annoying when the couple has their own side conversation, leaving the 3rd wheel to feel completely and hopelessly awkward.

c. If the 3rd wheel has volunteered to drive, don't you dare sit in the back with your lover. Doing so has subjected your friend to feel like the chauffeur, thus contributing to the dislike of being around you two.

I would say the most important rule would be...

d. Don't invite a third person.

The end.

Lesson #12

Today's lesson objectives include:

1.) Wanting to die.

Recently I've become a victim of annoying myself past the point where it's allowed.

You know what I mean, right?

That feeling where words are flowing out and you feel like you really shouldn't be saying those words but for some reason you keep going until you reach the point where you really can't stop or backtrack = my life at the present moment.

I have been officially annoying myself (and others - they too are included in this cycle of death). It's disgusting. I've been involved in some conversations lately that I just wish had never happened, or at least not the parts where I babbled about absolutely nothing and then proceeded to relay all the information that has been stored in my brain; this information includes but is not limited to what I learned in class on a particular day, my deepest darkest secrets, and what I think about the current political situation in Haiti.

I might also add that it doesn't really help when you're trying not to make a fool of yourself in front of a certain someone, yet this is still accomplished because for some reason you're going through a "why am I not shutting up?" phase.

I guess this lesson we've learned here is:

a. Learn when to shut up.
b. If you feel like you might be annoying, you probably are.
c. I use way too many run-on sentences.

Lesson #7

Today's Lesson Objective is:

1.) Awkward people smiling awkwardly in awkward places.

It's just my luck that I happen to be one of the most unsmiley people in the world, especially in one of the most smiley places on earth. I just attract the strangest half-smiles all over the place! They are commonly the result of one of two situations.

First - I will catch someone staring at me, but it's not even in an appropriate people-watching place. They'll be sitting right across from me on the bus, and for some reason think they can get away with staring at me without being noticed. Then they finally realize I'm staring back at them, and they give that weird, half smile thing like we're best friends or something. My conclusion only comes to two options: they think I'm freaking hot or hideously ugly. In any case, why the freak are they smiling at me now? Is it supposed to make me feel better, especially since I just caught them judging me? Retards.

Second - The awkward bathroom smile. It's the WORST. It always happens in the same sequence; I come out of the stall, go to the sink to wash my hands, look up in the mirror and BAM! Some freaky chick next to me is smiling that sick half/awkward smile I despise. WHAT THE FREAK. I just can't tell if it means "I just heard you crap but it's ok because it's totally normal" or "I like your hair but I'm not going to say anything and the next best alternative is to smile creepily" or maybe even "I'm bathroom stalking you...if I kinda smile, maybe you'll finally notice". All of the above = nast.

Moral of the story: Just don't freaking smile unless you have a freaking good reason.


I'm moving to France.