#WhyTheyAbuse

In case you’re willingly blind to the feminist happenings of the world at the present moment, which unfortunately is the current state for so many of you, allow me to invite you to the conversation of a movement that is [rightfully] receiving a lot of attention:

#16Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence 

As some of you may know, I am currently employed at a domestic violence* shelter that services a large metropolitan area, so this particular facet of gender-based violence has become of great interest to me. I have always been extremely passionate about women’s rights (duh) and dismantling the evil of patriarchy, and having the opportunity to work with and for the women in my community is an incredible learning experience that I believe has enabled me to become a better feminist.

*Domestic violence has been defined as "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. [It] can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person."

This new experience has also allowed me to tune in even more closely to the conversations addressing domestic violence issues, most of which seem to be heading in a productive direction. There are, however, still some lingering problems that I believe are born of the patriarchal subconscious. I would like to address one of them.


With statistics as high as 1 in 3 women experiencing domestic violence at some point in their lives in the US and 35% of women worldwide (that's over 1.2 billion we're talking about), we've got an extremely prevalent and rarely addressed problem on our hands.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the #WhyIStayed hashtag trend, or seen brave women such as Ms. Steiner explain the dynamics and consequences behind women who find themselves in domestic violence situations with people they once loved. You’ve maybe wondered why on earth women like Janay Rice decided to go ahead and marry her abuser, or pondered about what you yourself would do in a similar situation (though I’m sure your hypotheticals would do you no good if you found yourself such an environment).

The thing is, when we talk about domestic violence, our society at large seems to forget* an extremely important part of the problem: the ABUSERS, the majority of which happen to be men. 

*[I would also like to add that a very significant number of men have experienced  or will experience domestic violence as well, which adds a whole different dynamic to the conversation of things we forget about or ignore when addressing violence. I would love to write more about this later, but in the meantime you can read more about male victims of violence here.]

We have created a culture that blames victims so effortlessly it’s a little scary. Women are seen as rude for not being flattered by street harassment. Women are at fault for sexual assault because of what they were wearing. Women are stupid for staying with their abusive partners. How has the conversation turned toward the victim so easily? How have we been missing the one vital mark of the entire incident, that SOMEONE HAS CAUSED HARM AND WE HAVE WRITTEN THEM OUT OF THE DIALOGUE? 

Let's change the conversation. No person in a domestic violence situation needs to explain to the world why they stayed or justify their [misguided] love or have physical evidence that they were “truly”being abused, which is unfortunately a tragic reality for so many victims. 

Let's instead demand that every single abuser must be accountable for and face the consequences of their actions. Let's help them to understand and seek the necessary counseling they need so they never hurt again (can we get a new #WhyIHurt hashtag trend to replace the #WhyIStayed??). Let's provide more trust and assurance to victims who are already scared for their lives and well-beings. Most importantly, let's identify patterns of violence in our communities, in our families, and in our own lives and intervene before it takes a turn for the worse.

And that includes all of you, men of this world - grow a pair and finally stand up to your dude friends who make inappropriate or violent jokes about women or rape or harassment of any kind. It starts with the actions or thoughts that are painted as "harmless," and it can end with the people around you taking it seriously. 

Please watch this video, it will change you life. Especially you, men.

And then check out this website for more awesome information on a program that has proven to significantly reduce violence in communities across the US by empowering people to stand up to and change patterns of violence. 




Stay classy, folks. And remember, you CAN do something about it.