DTR

Dear America,

You are pretty great. I don't say that very often because sometimes I'm upset with your politics. But it's true, you have some really great qualities. For starters, you're pretty attractive. I mean, Yellowstone? That's one hot piece of land you got there. And don't even get me started on the California Redwoods. Mmm.

I appreciate your role in the arts. Your role in the development of theater and the cinema are tremendous, though I have to admit you've been slacking in recent years. Just saying. But your contributions are indeed incredible, nobody can deny that. American art and literature will also always hold a place in my heart, and don't even get me started on jazz. Jazz is by far the greatest thing you have ever given to this earth and has saved probably saved our relationship on many an occasion.

Again, you're pretty great. I don't know how else to say this, but...I think we need a break. Maybe a more permanent one. I know, I know, I've been dragging this on for a while. We should have just ended things right after I left you for Germany, but I wasn't sure how that would end up. I mean, I did go back to France like five months later, so if that's any indication...

Anyway. I don't mean to hurt you, it's me not you. I just don't think we're going to work out, that's all. I would love to be friends, and I think it would be great if we had lunch every once in a while (I mean, we've been together for so long, how could we just break it off?). I just don't think we'll make each other happy anymore.

I love you. I've always loved you, and I'll never forget you. I hope you understand.

Love,

Me.

Lesson #58

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Beeeeee yourself.

Alright fools. I've been thinking a lot lately, which is only semi-unusual, and I've decided something really important.

I am Aladdin, minus his manhood and magic carpet.

As shown in the clip above, Aladdin has a hard time trying to be his real self around girls he likes. Or when he's in a situation he's afraid of. Pretty much I think I have the same problem. It's not that I'm not being myself in similar situations, I just have a hard time letting people know what I'm really like sometimes because I know they wouldn't appreciate it. Does that make sense?

My biggest problem in this area is convincing [certain] people that I'm the nicest, most humble person on the planet. People who know me well will get a good kick out of this lovely piece of imagery in their heads, I'm pretty sure. But seriously, it's a problem. I'll meet really nice guys and I know that they'd be totally turned off if they knew what I was really thinking all the time, so I only let the positive vibes flow.

Let's face it, folks. I have great potential to be a gigantic beyotch. I also have great potential to be caring and genuine. As my dentist put it this morning, "You are probably the most unique person I've ever met."

Damn straight. I'm me and I like it that way. Now to break it to some of my friends...

___________

On a side note, please be aware of one of the many conversations I enjoy with my dentist.

Dentist: Why are you making all those weird sounds? You sound like all the kids that come in.

Me: Because you're making me uncomfortable. Duh. Haven't you ever been in this chair?

Dentist: It's not that bad.

Me: Well let's just say I hate having other people in my mouth. That's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Everyone in the office: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Dentist: I can't wait for you to be a missionary.

Lesson #46

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) PDA

I feel like I've already addressed this issue, but I'm bringing it up again. My friend Amanda suggested it to me, and so here I go.

I HATE PDA.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for 100 years, PDA = public displays of affection.

Now, I know some of you might say something to the effect of, "Oh, so I'm not allowed to let my boyfriend know how much I love him in front of his friends?," to which I might reply, "Does your tongue have to be in his mouth to let him know you love him?"

However, I understand there are different levels of PDA, and some may or may not be appropriate to share with the world. Let's break it down into 5 bases (from my version of baseball):

Base #1 - Staring longingly at each other.

If this happens during lunch, fine. Whatever. Sometimes it's actually hilarious to watch as you flirt shamelessly across the room. Just don't do it near me. It freaks me out in close quarters.

Base #2 - Holding hands.

I find this acceptable in public with moderation. I just really despise the couples that HAVE to be holding hands ALL THE TIME. For example, there was a couple in one of my classes that held hands during class, and the girl always sat in front of the boy. HOLY AWKWARD. And uncomfortable-looking. How could they enjoy that? I also hate when people are walking through a tight space and refuse to let me pass through them without breaking their hands, so we end up doing this creepy version of "London Bridge." Hate it.

Base #3 - Cuddling.

Some of you might say that this comes before holding hands in a relationship, but in public it usually comes after. Aaaand it's repulsive. You just look super awkward and you make everyone else feel that way too.

Base #4 - Kissing.

I've always hated people kissing in public, and I've never done it myself. I feel like those moments should be kept private, even if it's just a "peck." That word itself suggests you're a bird. But "passionate" kissing should ALWAYS be withheld from the public's eyes. It's just wrong and you look stupid.

Base #5 - Kissy pictures on facebook.

Two things to address here. First off, I understand that this cannot be the last base. I did take a sex ed class, so I know the drill. However, where I live no one makes it past this point, and if they do they are eternally punished unless they're married. Even then no one likes talking about it, so this is as far as we get. Second on the agenda, YOUR KISSY PICTURES DO NOT BELONG ON FACEBOOK. Ooooo they are so nasty. And weird. And just dumb. I KNOW you're in a relationship with her, it says so on your info tab. You don't have to prove it by documenting your love-making that nobody wants to see. And again, it just looks weird.

That is all on this topic of conversation.

Lesson #45

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Dating.

Ok. This is a secret post, meaning I probably won't tell anyone about it so if you happen to come across yay for you. It's also embarrassing for me so I'm probably going to delete soon. Ha.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of getting comments like, "You're single? How is that possible? You're so cute!" and it's making me sick. Do you realize it's insulting? You're basically telling me that a) being attractive is all I really need to get a man and b) if I'm attractive and still single, there must be something wrong with me.

Well GUESS WHAT. There is something "wrong" with me, and it's called I have a LIFE.

For the benefit of my lovely mother and other members of my family [and friends] who think I should date more, I will explain the reasons I don't.

1. I have this weird obsession with the idea of being single and 30. Mom, don't have a heart attack when you read this.

2. I have ridiculously high standards. When I say that I mean I have very particular things that I look for in men, and if they don't possess it then I'm not interested. For example, they can't be scared of me. This is a little difficult. I also tend to dislike guys who open my car door for me. This all makes me seem snobbish, I know.

3. I'm very focused on my potential future, and I find that men can inhibit that. Not ok with me.

4. I don't touch people. According to my brother, this severely damages my prospects because apparently guys really like a girl who doesn't hug the other side of the couch while watching a movie. I can't help it, ok?! It's nothing against you.

5. Men who want relationships scare me...a little bit.

So there you have it. I should add an unofficial #6: I dream of hunky French men. And Asian men. Not a lot of those around here. Buuuuut that's beside the point. I don't date because I'm not interested in dating, and I haven't met anyone to convince me otherwise. Also, there is NO WAY anyone I date will be as lovely as Mr. Knightley. Jane Austen's characters have shattered my dreams of reality.

Lesson #35

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1. Annoying blog posts.

Confession: I am addicted to reading terrible blogs. There's this one that I find especially horrid about a girl who's 21 and divorced and she writes the most annoying things about her 2 week marriage. I'm sure you find me the meanest person in the whole world, and I probably am. I'm sure this girl is super nice and God loves her for sure. But why dedicate a whole blog to your irresponsible courtship and marriage when I'm sure it's not fun for you or for him?

Whatever.

The inspiration for my commentary comes from her latest post, which includes like 50 billion ways you can woo and romance her. Yuck.

This is what my brain thinks about it: WHAT THE HELL.

Why are you sitting on your butt for what I'm sure took you an hour writing about all the ways a guy can win your heart? a.) get a life b.) why does the guy have to do all the work?

To the lovely girl of the annoying blog,

DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR OWN DATING LIFE.

You are not (or shouldn't be) some helplessly romantic girl who needs to be saved by some manly dude who buys you flowers and makes you feel good about yourself for 2 seconds! If you can't become a strong person on your own, there is no way any man is going to make you happy. You make you happy. So stop writing blog posts about how a man should sweep you off your feet and LIVE A LIFE.

The end.

2.) I miss my cat.

Today my roommate subjected me to watching this awful movie clip from Fox and the Hound. I cried and cried and screamed at that terrible lady for being so mean. This of course lead me to this movie clip from Dumbo which basically makes me want to die a thousand times (after saving all the elephants in the world, of course). And don't worry, I eventually ended my youtube sad streak with the scene from Lion King where Simba finds his father dead.

Watching sad Disney scenes of animals reminds me of one thing always: my precious kitty. He's not really a kitty, he's definitely old. He doesn't have a name, so we just call him kitty except when my mom calls him a "little turd." He was my best friend for a long time.

I think the best thing about pets, more specifically cats and dogs, is that they always know when you're sad and they try to cheer you up. I remember when I was 16 and I came home crying because a boy was mean to me and my kitty jumped up on my bed and started licking my face and snuggling in my arms. It instantly made everything better.

This is a really pointless lesson. I just wanted you to know how much I miss kitty and need him right now.

Lesson #23

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Group projects.

Let's just cut to the chase and admit that group projects are the worst thing ever invented. You would think that in college they would a little bit easier to coordinate, but it is a lie. I feel like it's worse in college.

In high school, the smart people to idiot ratio was ridiculous - it had to have been 3 idiots to every semi-intelligent person. It always seemed like I was doing a project all by myself and putting everyone's names on it. But in college we're all supposed to be smart. Now it's a ration of 3 lazy people to every person who actually cares.

I understand that group projects are supposed to help us prepare for the real world because that's what we'll mostly be doing in our future careers. Yet I think professors are forgetting something...IF I AM GETTING PAID TO DO SOMETHING, OF COURSE I'M GOING TO COOPERATE WITH A GROUP. In college, some people could care less about their grade, thus jeopardizing the group and their grades.

Please just let us pick our own group. Please.


2.) First dates.

Let's just say it.

First dates suck.

And first dates especially suck in the LDS culture.

Here's a breakdown of how it happens:

Step #1: He asks her out.
He notices her. He tries talking to her. He fails multiple times. He finally succeeds. He waits until the tenth time he's talked to her to finally ask her out. Or ask for her number. If the latter, he takes him much longer to finally work up the nerve to ask her out.

Step #2: Thinking of the activity.
This one is tricky. He doesn't want to pick something lame but he can't bring out the big guns yet. Oh no, that's for the second date. He contemplates a group date, but really he just wants to be with her. He finally settles on bowling and frozen yogurt - always a safe choice, he thinks.

Step #3: Picking her up.
This can be made awkward by several situations. He has a hard time figuring out where she lives. He walks in to only have to spend two minutes with her scary roommates who won't stop staring while his date finishes getting ready. This of course includes him practically hugging the door, half in and half out of the apartment. When his date comes out, he chooses not to comment on her dress but really to just start running away.

Step #4: Judging/activity.
The next 3 hours is spent asking questions, telling jokes, and starting to get to know the date. This is also what we call torture. Another term, more commonly used, is judging. 3 hours of judging. This is especially in evident in LDS culture. All that's going through his mind is, "Can I spend the rest of eternity with her?" With their potential marriage on the line, 95% of girls won't make it to the second date.

Step #5: The drop off.
This is the most crucial part of the whole experience. It is in this moment that he will find out if she wants some more. He walks her to the door, making weird small talk, and finally arrives at the destination. This is it. They both acknowledge that they had a great time. Hug. She leaves.

Step #6: Analyzing.
Now he will spend the next 2 days analyzing what had happened. "Did I have a good time? Should I ask her out again? She did say she wanted a big family... Was she interested?" And then, of course, he will probably chicken out. Thus the cycle starts again with the girl he sits next to in spanish class.

Lesson #13

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Setting your sights too high.

I find it very ironic and also slightly creepy that this lesson is the unlucky number of 13, as today's lesson is derived from a very long month of being on a very unlucky roller coaster. Let's just say that I've learned 2 pertinent things from this bumpy and very awkward ride:

a. Don't pick a roller coaster you can't handle.

b. If you do, buckle up and prepare to throw up when it's over.

Roller coasters are very fickle. They're never sure what direction to take so they just let the track lead them until they end up spiraling down a large hill headed for disaster. Yet somehow they manage to make it. They coast into the gate, relived it's all over and back to normal. What about the passengers, you might ask? They love the ride. They think it's great. They have total confidence in the roller coaster that it knows what it's doing and where it's going. Then that great big mountain of a track comes. The passenger can see the drop but can't stop from falling down. Panic is manifested in the silent screams as they plummet to the bottom. Yet they too, make it out ok...but slightly more terrified and permanently damaged as compared to the roller coaster. Many passengers end up having trust issues with other roller coasters for the rest of their lives.

The moral of that very clever and highly intelligent analogy is this: roller coasters suck. They really do. But I keep riding them. I probably will for a really long time. So will you. And I guess someday we'll find a roller coaster that doesn't make us want to cry or make us feel nauseous. When that day comes, I'll most likely be at Disneyland. And it will most likely be the teacup ride.

Lesson #9

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Quit being a pansy.

At a university where 1 in 4 students are married or engaged, I've been asking myself why I haven't been asked out on a real date since last fall semester. My first thought was "well, maybe I'm just not very attractive." Then I move in with 5 of the cutest girls in the world and 3 of them have as much luck as I do! So obviously that conclusion cannot be correct. So then I thought "well, maybe I'm just not cool enough." Not true. I'm hilarious and so are my roommates. We have quality personalities.

So then what is it??? I have yet to answer that question. But while I'm sitting here wondering why I never get a chance I hear boys saying "all girls date jerks so I never have a chance." What a bunch of bologna you pansies. Quality girls like my roommates and I can sniff those junkies from 50 miles away and we definitely stay away.

Do us a favor. Get up off your butts and make a girl's day. Asking her out on a date is not asking for a commitment...and you just might be surprised how many amazing girls there are out there.