Yolo.

Just so you know, I've got another blog going on while I'm in Paris. Check it out if you want ------> HERE.

Cool.

The "F" word.

Let me tell you a story.

On the last day of my mission, I traveled to Berlin to meet up with the other missionaries who were going to be flying home with me, all of which were Elders (missionaries of the male gender). Sitting in a room of the mission office surrounded by these Elders, I was more than a little uncomfortable, especially since I had been taught for 18 months to NEVER find myself in this situation. But alas, it could not be helped, and I sat there impatiently waiting my turn to have an interview with our mission president.

I'm not exactly sure how this next part came to pass, but I remember one Elder in particular, who must not be named and who I had not met previously, decided to brave the forbidden waters and engage me in seemingly light-hearted conversation. A little out of touch with talking to people of the opposite sex I suppose, he found it a perfect opportunity to tell me everything he had heard about me on the mission - every. single. rumor.

Not a minute had passed and several other Elders decided to pipe in similar feedback. Now, I'm not exactly surprised at what I heard. I knew I had a reputation for being outspoken, blunt, and lacking in basic social manners. Most Elders (and Sisters) had heard I was a "feminist," and subsequently, not fully understanding the meaning of this term, were terrified to meet me. But that never bothered me, mostly because people who had actually experienced a personal interaction with me tended to like me, or at least learned to not be offended by my presence.

But the way these Elders, people I had never met or spoken to, were talking to me about me made me feel so uneasy and, quite frankly, hurt. Every negative term that came out of their mouth was also associated with me being a "feminist," as if all feminists are terrifying, man-hating, rude liberal loud-mouths (the usual stereotypes that I apparently posses). And it hurt because I knew that this twisted image they had of me would forever have been ingrained into their souls as being associated with feminism, had they not had the opportunity to finally meet me and understand who I am and what I stand for. It hurt because they didn't understand this wonderful movement that had changed my life for the better, and they were mocking it in my presence.




Feminism has become a dirty word, my friends, and for this I am very sad.

I could go on and on about what the feminist movement really is and what's it's done for the world and blah blah blah. But you already know this. I talk about it everyday and I post about it everyday and whether you believe it or not, you are probably being exposed to feminist "propaganda" on a regular basis, even when you're not graced by my presence. And you know what? You probably agree with most of it. Let's be honest, who doesn't want a world where women are treated like human beings? The crazies, that's who. I don't need to defend the feminist movement as much as try to help you understand that if you have a brain that functions probably, you are probably a feminist too. 

The beauty of feminism is that it is really personal. Not every person who identifies with feminism agrees on every point! There's a place for everyone who desires gender equality.

I just want to tell you what feminism means to me.

Feminism has given me identity as a woman and has helped me to understand masculine identity. It has given me purpose and meaning in my life. It has given me the courage to stand up and say, "No, that is wrong." It has given me the courage to stand up and say, "Yes, this is me and yes, I believe this." My thoughts and feelings and opinions and hopes and dreams are all valid and real because I am a person and I deserve them. Feminism has taught me that I am equal to everyone, which has shaped the way I treat the people around me. It has helped me grow in my faith and helped me to understand how God sees me and who He wants me to become, and it has helped me to see what God sees in others.


I know I talk about this a lot, but I just wanted to put that out there. That is all.

To be discreet and chaste.

It's finally summer! Time to put away the heavy German winter garb, pull out my sunglasses, buy a bikini...what?

Now calm down people, I'm not buying a bikini. But the fact that you got a little worried about it is probably something we need to discuss.

Thanks to the sudden presence of the sun, it seems that everyone is getting themselves in a tizzy about one of my favorite words: modesty.

Actually I'm joking when I say that, in case you didn't pick that up. It's not one of my favorite words.

This is what the Church says about it:

"Modesty is an attitude of propriety and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves.

If we are unsure about whether our dress or grooming is modest, we should ask ourselves, 'Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord's presence?'

Prophets have always counseled us to dress modestly. This counsel is founded on the truth that the human body is God's sacred creation. We must respect our bodies as a gift from God. Through our dress and appearance, we can show the Lord that we know how precious our bodies are." 

All of that seems somewhat reasonable to me. I like it because it centers everything around my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I personally dress the way I do because I personally believe that I am showing respect to the body that God gave me...and all that jazz.

The interesting thing is that the Church gives guidelines for how we should dress. For example, we have (as women) been asked not to wear, "Revealing and sexually suggestive clothing, which includes short shorts and skirts, tight clothing, and shirts that do not cover the stomach," among other things. That's fine. I don't have any problems with that for myself. This is what I ABHOR:

1. Viewing those who don't follow these guidelines as "immodest," "indecent," or worse, as "sluts".
2. Using the word "slut."
3. Something that we discuss often in the feminist world known as "slut shaming." Look it up.

Modesty is quite often, especially in the beloved Mormon culture, equated with words like "chaste" and "pure" and "virtue." To illustrate a point, and since I'd rather not phrase it in my own words, I've collected words from a source that you probably trust more than my brain. The following quote is from the same website:

"Our clothing expresses who we are. It sends messages about us, and it influences the way we and others act. When we are well groomed and modestly dressed, we can invite the companionship of the Spirit and exercise a good influence on those around us.

Central to the command to be modest is an understanding of the sacred power of procreation, the ability to bring children into the world. This power is to be used only between husband and wife. Revealing and sexually suggestive clothing, which includes short shorts and skirts, tight clothing, and shirts that do not cover the stomach, can stimulate desires and actions that violate the Lord's law of chastity."

Bah. If that doesn't directly influence rape culture, I don't know what does.

Let's get a couple things straight.

What I WEAR is dependent upon ME and MY PERSONAL PREFERENCES. I do NOT wear "modest" clothes in order to NOT BE RAPED or NOT INFLUENCE IMMORALITY. I hear too often that women need to dress "appropriately" in order to "help" dudes not have "immoral thoughts."  Or whatever.

Listen to me, men. 

YOUR IMMORAL and OBJECTIFYING THOUGHTS ARE YOUR OWN DAMN PROBLEM. Don't you EVER blame a woman and her "indecency" for your obvious problems with sexuality.  

And to the women.

Do not let other people define your worth. Don't let them tell you that if you wear a bikini or a short skirt that you are worth less or that you are dirty or cheap. Don't let people tell you that you are "welcoming" inappropriate behavior from men or that you have just "objectified" yourself. But I do hope that you dress the way you do as empowerment for yourself, because you're comfortable in your style and in your body. I hope you don't dress for the sole purpose to receive any negative attention - you are better than that.

To quote a blog that I once read, 

"Modesty is not about what you wear, but about how you wear it."    

For more thoughts visit here.

ps. The blog title came from one of my favorite scriptures. Not. --- Titus2:5

“The more I read, the more I acquire, the more certain I am that I know nothing.”

Alright.

I'm very aware that my blog is getting more boring by the minute. I never have time to write and when I find time, I never have anything to say. Ok that's obviously not true, I always have something to say. But who wants to hear my feminist rants all the time? Oh yes, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

I've been back from my mission for 3 months now. That's supposed to be a short amount of time but it feels like an eternity. I've been exerting every ounce of my strength trying to be "normal" again (whatever that means) and it's taking me FOREVER.

I'm going to share with you the life lessons I've learned since being home. And you are going to like it.

I know you all like lists:

1.) Catching up on the last year and a half is impossible. The second I got home I felt like everyone was saying, "Listen! These are all the things you missed! Hurry and catch up so we can be on the same page!" And then I was bombarded with information, music, images, and all the TV shows that ever existed.

I'm just going to be completely honest with you - I have no desire to see or hear or read about 90% of these things. If I happen upon them someday, sure. But I just don't have the time. Ok? Ok.

2.) I love Europe. I miss Europe. America just kind of grosses me out. It's probably just because I'm bias, but I just can't get over it. It's too hot and the bread is disgusting and everyone drives GINORMOUS cars everywhere and people are always smiling.

Good thing I'm fleeing to France.

3.) I'm terrified by how quickly I'm becoming desensitized to spiritual things. You'd think that after begging people for a year and a half to just read one tiny verse from the Book of Mormon or the Bible everyday that it would be easier for you to keep your own commitments. FALSE. When did real life start complicating lives? Why do I let real life interfere with things I understand to be of precedence? Something needs to change.

4.) You can never be too grateful for your awesome family and your amazing friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. I think the best part of coming home was realizing that nothing has really changed - sure, everyone is in different phases of their life now, but these people still know me and love me and we picked up right where we left off. I love that. You are all the best. The end.

5.) I don't know who I am anymore.

The mission really shook me. It took me a while to find my groove and even then I was always questioning myself and beating myself up over the smallest things. I came home to find that I can adapt those practices to everything in my new life. I have never felt so sure of my identity and at the same time never so lost. The only thing keeping me sane are the above-mentioned blessed people and prayer. It's ridiculous. I wish I could move on from this.




Enough with the cheese.


It's late = the only reason I'm barfing up my soul through my fingertips onto this keyboard.

I won't keep this blog up if nobody tells me what to write about. So tell me. Now.

Goodnight.

Listen (continued).

Alright.

I promised I would express my post-mission feelings about women in the church. Avec plaisir, my friends.

I identify myself as a Mormon Feminist. No, I don't need to use this title. But I like it - it's a precise summary of exactly who I am.

I believe men and women are equal in the eyes of God. Radical, I know. This belief has fueled my passions specifically in the direction of international women's rights, but I support all movements that strive for equality among men and women.

In the context of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I believe women are equal. Within the Mormon church, I believe we have work to do. And yes, I do see them separately.

Throughout the Bible there are evidences of women as priestesses, judges, and leaders. Christ himself held women in a position of preeminence. They were present at every stage of his life - Mary his mother, Anna the Prophetess, Mary, Martha, the countless women he healed, etc. They were the last ones with him as he died on the cross, and to Mary Magdalene, a woman, he first appeared after his Resurrection. After Christ's Ascension, women played very important roles in the early beginnings of Christianity (see here).

This is a picture of the prominent leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.



They are all very good people. They also happen to be all men, most of which are white Americans. I find this a bit troubling, considering that most of the members of the church are not American, and at least half of them are women.

This, as we are all aware, has to do with priesthood authority, something that women at the present time do not posses. If you have interest in reading more about the potential for women's ordination, please click here. Although I am sympathetic to the cause of ordination of women to the priesthood, my personal concerns with the church do not at present lie in priesthood ordination policies and procedures.

I am concerned that there are not more leadership positions within the church for women, even when there could be. I am concerned that prescribing gender roles can inhibit men and women from exploring their divine qualities and talents. I am concerned that cultural habits within the church promote inappropriate behaviors and discourage diversity.

I know my worth. I know that I am equal in the eyes of God. I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And I am not ashamed of asking questions.




Fellow Mormon Feminists:
Feminist Mormon Housewives
Young Mormon Feminists
Ask Mormon Girl

If you have any questions or comments, please respond below. I'd love your feedback.

Listen.

It is currently 1:26am and I should be sleeping. But I can't. I will write a blog post. Yes.

Well hey hey! Guess what! The world has changed a lot in the past 18 months. Actually not really. Bit a little bit, yes. I guess the basic ideas of a crumbling society are still in place, but the conversations are evolving and everyone is in a tizzy.

I am aware that you are all sweating in anticipation to partake of and rejoice in my infinite wisdom, and so I will address two of the hot [and extremely exhausted] topics of the season: gay marriage and women in the Church.

As usual, my blogs are strictly my opinions (thank goodness) and I do not claim to be any sort of spokesperson for my LDS faith.

And so.

Gay marriage.
Honestly, I'm not for or against gay marriage. Do what you freaking want, folks. My only beef with this topic is the sudden justification of hatred for one another, demonstrated from both parties of this "issue." Why can't we be friends?!

I recently read a horrifying comment on facebook. One of my friends expressed their desire for marriage equality, as many did in the past week, by uploading the picture of the red equals sign. You know what I'm talking about, right? It was all the rage. Anyway. My friend happens to be LDS, or Mormon if you will, and the LDS church has stated their views on the subject quite openly. Another person, presumably of our same faith , commented on the picture with something to the effect of (and really I'm not doing it justice), "Maybe you should find another church instead of trying to change the Church's view to fit yours."

Um...excuse me?

First of all, if we believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be the literal church of Christ on the earth today, why in the HELL would we suggest others to figuratively "take a hike," as if they weren't allowed into our elitist sphere? The point of a church is to be a safe haven - a place people can come to nurture themselves spiritually. It's a hospital for souls, not a country club of "perfected" Christians.

Putting all that aside, we're all aware that the Church has made their stand. But where does Christ stand? They're not the same entity. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of mercy to me. He loves unconditionally. He doesn't care what you've done or where you are in life or what situation you were born into. He sees us as the people we can become. I believe that every tear we shed is a ache that He feels. He mourns with us and comforts us. He wants us to have eternal happiness. That is His "view." And maybe, just maybe, when we try to see others in this way we will be able to comprehend a tiny particle of His love for them. Perhaps people who support marriage equality are not trying to tear down the Church or undermine authority, but they are trying to understand what it must feel like to be told that your feelings for other people are a sin, that you must live a life alone if you are to please God, that in a sense your very self offends the supposedly loving Father who created you.

This, of course, goes the other way around. Although many people oppose gay marriage, I would like to think that most of them do not mean it to be offensive in any way. They still express love and concern for those who identify as homosexuals, and often defend their loved ones. Their reasons for opposing gay marriage may be of a political or religious nature, and that is to be respected.

I pray for a world that is kinder and more gracious, especially when discussing these extremely important topics. I suggest that we all love each other. All in favor?




Well, now I am tired. I am going to have to leave you hanging on the women in the Church. Don't cry, I pinky promise to write again soon.

Love to you all.

Here we go again...

Peoples of the world.

I thought I would take a longer break from blogging but GUESS WHAT! I am incredibly bored. And I have this insatiable desire to have everyone listen to what I have to say. Not that it's important.

I will word-vomit as follows:

1. Being back feels totally weird and completely natural. I am at all times feeling 1,000 emotions surging through my soul and I'm not quite sure what to do with them all. Mostly I just hide in a corner of my house and nibble on Wheat Thins. Healthy? Not so sure. But it's better than thinking about wearing pants and talking to boys about something other than missionary work.

2. Coming off the plane and into my family's arms was like stepping through a veil - is it strange that my mission memories are fading so quickly? It feels like a distant memory that was maybe just a dream.

3. Oh my gosh the bread here in America is so gross.

4. I LOVE DRIVING.

5. I still can't sleep in past like 8am no matter how late I go to bed. I feel guilty not talking to people on the street. I check for my nametag at least 3 times a day. I AM WEIRD.

6. So basically the first thing everyone has said to me since I've been back is, "Oh, look at you! You are so skinny!" as if it was like the compliment of the century. I would love to rant about this some other time, but let me just advise you to NOT SAY THAT TO ME. EVER.

7. All the men here wear waaaay too big of pants.

8. I'm really tired.

9. All I want to do is write write write. I will be working on some things. I hope you all still read my blog. If you have any topic suggestions, questions, or concerns, please inform me so I have an excuse to take a long bath to ponder the creative possibilities.

10. That is all.



Peace.

You better believe I came off the plane in that dress.