Lesson #36

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Grammar.

This is a fact: I am not attracted to people who use terrible grammar.

I'm sure any grammar guru would instantly call me a hypocrite because I am positive that the way I form sentences on my blog is not grammatically correct. That's just the way it rolls off my brain. So no, I am not a grammar nazi, but I do expect people to be able to tell the difference between there, they're, their and your, you're.

Just saying.

SO. Let me help you.

There: in or at that place, "They have lived there for years."

They're: contraction of they are, "They're very nice people."

Their: belonging to them, "Their dog is lovely."

Your: belonging to you, "Your hair is so shiny."

You're: contraction of you are, "You're the meanest person ever."

Now that we've covered the basic horrific grammar mistakes, let's talk about punctuation.

Punctuation, especially on the internet or in a text, adds a certain tone to a conversation or statement. When you add exclamation points after every sentence, you sound ridiculously excited or happy, even if you don't wish to convey a feeling of loving life. Here's an example:

Oh my gosh I am so mad at my mother! She is crazy! Sometimes she makes me pancakes when I want french toast! It drives me insane! I want some bacon right now! What I'm really trying to say is I have no idea why I love exclamation points because none of these sentences needed one!

Was the voice in your head a little girl with an extremely high voice? Ya, me too. So now we address the use of all caps. When I write sentences or parts of words in all capital letters, I am trying to convey a feeling of angst. That's what it sounds like in my head - someone screaming at me. So please don't write normal things in all caps. It's like someone is screaming:

I LOVE MY BIOLOGY CLASS IT IS GREAT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. WHY ARE TEDDY BEARS ALWAYS BROWN? I GUESS BARNEY IS PURPLE, SO THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I REALLY NEED A HUG.

Why are you shouting these things at me? No need. The last point I'd like to make is the use of the 3 periods (...). It sounds like a creepy voice when I read it, and it especially drives me crazy after every sentence, especially when you should be putting a question mark at the end of a question. For example:

You guys are great...Can I come over....How was your weekend...You look really cute....I wish your mom was here...

...creepy.

ps. I am doing well, not good. Good is an adjective, well is an adverb. When you're describing an action, you use the word "well." You are a good person, and you are doing well in art. Got it? Good.

Lesson #35

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1. Annoying blog posts.

Confession: I am addicted to reading terrible blogs. There's this one that I find especially horrid about a girl who's 21 and divorced and she writes the most annoying things about her 2 week marriage. I'm sure you find me the meanest person in the whole world, and I probably am. I'm sure this girl is super nice and God loves her for sure. But why dedicate a whole blog to your irresponsible courtship and marriage when I'm sure it's not fun for you or for him?

Whatever.

The inspiration for my commentary comes from her latest post, which includes like 50 billion ways you can woo and romance her. Yuck.

This is what my brain thinks about it: WHAT THE HELL.

Why are you sitting on your butt for what I'm sure took you an hour writing about all the ways a guy can win your heart? a.) get a life b.) why does the guy have to do all the work?

To the lovely girl of the annoying blog,

DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR OWN DATING LIFE.

You are not (or shouldn't be) some helplessly romantic girl who needs to be saved by some manly dude who buys you flowers and makes you feel good about yourself for 2 seconds! If you can't become a strong person on your own, there is no way any man is going to make you happy. You make you happy. So stop writing blog posts about how a man should sweep you off your feet and LIVE A LIFE.

The end.

2.) I miss my cat.

Today my roommate subjected me to watching this awful movie clip from Fox and the Hound. I cried and cried and screamed at that terrible lady for being so mean. This of course lead me to this movie clip from Dumbo which basically makes me want to die a thousand times (after saving all the elephants in the world, of course). And don't worry, I eventually ended my youtube sad streak with the scene from Lion King where Simba finds his father dead.

Watching sad Disney scenes of animals reminds me of one thing always: my precious kitty. He's not really a kitty, he's definitely old. He doesn't have a name, so we just call him kitty except when my mom calls him a "little turd." He was my best friend for a long time.

I think the best thing about pets, more specifically cats and dogs, is that they always know when you're sad and they try to cheer you up. I remember when I was 16 and I came home crying because a boy was mean to me and my kitty jumped up on my bed and started licking my face and snuggling in my arms. It instantly made everything better.

This is a really pointless lesson. I just wanted you to know how much I miss kitty and need him right now.

Lesson #34

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) March Madness.

It's 12:30 am and I AM SICK OF DOING HOMEWORK.

So. I am going to talk about college basketball. Actually, it's just gonna be sports in general.

Good idea? Yes.

Ok. This is something everyone needs to know about me.

It's called "I pretend I don't know a lot about sports but I actually know more than everyone thinks I do." It's a little secret I like to keep, but it's late at night and all bets are off, which means after a certain time of night you can pretty much ask me anything and I'll tell you. But this secret is a freebie. Also, I'm pretty sure 2 people read my blog so I don't even care.

There are many reasons I know a lot about sports. The first and most important reason is 1.) I am from Nebraska. I'm pretty sure it's a rule that you have to know everything about football before you graduate from elementary school. Football is the biggest deal since the Constitution was signed, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, the point is that I grew up on Big Red game days and Superbowl Sundays, though I don't really like the NFL. And I know that any Nebraskans reading this that knew me pretty well would probably want to cut off my legs because I was actually an avid fan of pretty much ANYONE that was playing Nebraska. I just like to mix things up, ok? But I promise I've been converted and I wear my Husker pride every football season.

Reason 2.) Growing up with 3 brothers who all played sports, my dad who coached our sports teams, and all my manly friends from high school. They all think I never payed attention to them, but I know half of my hockey and rugby knowledge just from eavesdropping on sporty conversations. Ha. Also. My dad taught me the rules to pretty much every single sport that was invented. Except for cricket. But if you start watching a sport on tv at my apartment, I'll most likely be able to know exactly what is going on.

Reason 3.) I played sports! Oh yes, I was very into soccer until high school, then track and field. Then nothing. I do yoga now.

Reason 4.) I learned a lot about sports from betting on games. Mostly I'm talking about college basketball brackets, but I also bet pieces of candy while watching football games. I'm pretty hardcore. But seriously, I've done soooooo well on all my brackets every year since high school, and it's not just because I choose teams based on the color of their jerseys. I read ESPN at least once a week. So bring it, because I'm going to school all of you this year.

Reason 5.) My older brother and I were really into baseball and football cards when we were younger, and so in order not to totally get taken advantage of (Brent would try to trade me totally lame cards for my sweet ones) I had to read up on who I had cards of. Worked like a charm, and I still win for having Ken Griffey Jr.'s rookie card (if it was actually legit, I still don't know) and Joe Montana's "retirement" card, whatever that means.

Reason 6.) Famous people. I grew up knowing I was related to Steve Young, and therefore I needed to know everything about him, his college football career, and his time in the NFL. I heard about some French man hitting somebody with his head during a soccer game, so I obviously had to read up on that and figure out what it was all about, which lead to my basic knowledge in all European soccer teams and my inevitable crush on David Villa. I didn't really know anything about anyone in the NBA (except for Michael Jordan, OF COURSE) until Space Jame (best movie ever). And, of course, Jimmer Fredette. I had NO idea who he was until this year, and the word on the street is that he's a big deal. Who even knew?

This post is getting really long and I'm sick of telling you all the reasons I totally kick butt when it comes to blowing your mind about sports. No, I'm not that familiar with specific athletes, but I should get credit for being able to participate in intelligent conversation about athletics in general, especially American college sports.

Yet when it comes down to it, I'd rather be talking about things that actually matter in this world, like preventing infant mortality or finding the solution to world peace. But that's for another day.

Lesson learned:

I'm awesome. Aaaaaand I am doing freaking amazing on my March Madness bracket, in case you were wondering.

Check out this siiiiiiick footage of the head-butting Frenchman:

Apparently the Italian man said something about his mother? Hahahaha

Lesson #33

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Sick days.

Today I woke up at 2pm. Yes, that adds up to about 14 hours of sleep. I feel like I could go for a couple more hours if I wasn't sweating like a pig. I haven't eaten and the thought doesn't sound appealing. I've skipped all my morning classes and there is NO WAY I am getting in the shower and getting ready for the 2 more I have in...ten minutes. I think I will call today a "sick day."

Growing up, sick days were the best things in the world, even when you weren't pretending to be sick. I swear there was nothing better than sitting on the couch all day watching movie after movie while periodically throwing up my guts and having my mom cater to my every need. I remember one time in high school when my brother and I told my mom to call us out of school one day because we didn't "feel well." After she left for work we turned on some OC and watched at least 20 episodes while eating my dad's candy stash. It was a glorious day.

Sick days are different now. Reason #23405 that I HATE COLLEGE. While laying in my bed dreading the thought of clothing myself, I can't stop thinking about the 3 papers I need to get started on (2 of which are in French), the 2 tests I need to study for, and all the mindless homework that needs to get done.

So that sums it. There is nothing worse than a sick day in college.

Lesson learned:

1. Consume more vitamin c.

2. Hire someone to do all your homework for you.

3. Don't go to college.

ps. I love lolcatz.

Lesson #32

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Feminism.

I have a feeling the majority of the people who actually read my blog have already left this post because of the title. But I have something important to say and y'all are going to sit tight and enjoy the ride.

I know for a fact that most people have no idea what feminism means. They associate it with unattractive lesbian women who burn their bras, don't shave their legs, and hate men. Perhaps some women like this exist out there, but I guarantee the majority of women who call themselves "feminists" in fact do shave their legs, wear skirts, and like men. Many of them even love men.

The fact is, I call myself a feminist because I believe every woman has a right to live the way she chooses with respect and dignity. I believe every woman has political and human rights that need to be upheld by the law. I believe that every woman should be equal to every man. It's all about equality, though I get the feeling people don't see that.

Lately I've been hearing a lot of "women victimize themselves too much" or "women aren't really oppressed - they're just whiny." This may surprise you, but I agree to some extent. Some women exaggerate their circumstances and I don't believe women in developed countries are necessarily "oppressed."

But women are not considered equal anywhere in the world.

Women perform over 2/3 of the world's work and own 10 percent of the world's wealth.

Women in America earn .75 for every dollar a man earns.

2/3 of illiterate adults around the world are women.

1 in 4 women in America will fall victim to sexual violence sometime during their life, and in some countries that rises to 1 in 2 women.

Women are highly underrepresented in decision-making in governments all around the globe.

27 million people are enslaved in human/sex trafficking today, 80 percent of which are women.

These are the universal traits attributed to women's issues. You would be appalled at the circumstances of women in countries such as India, the Congo, or Afghanistan. This is why I'm so passionate about women and their rights. I cannot live in a world where such atrocities occur and I not do or say anything.

This is my official statement to everyone out there who thinks I'm annoying or pushy or outspoken: THANK GOODNESS. If I didn't advertise it so much, would you have ever known how women live in this world?

Please stop making jokes about women and their rights. Please stop using derogatory words that reference women. It's offensive to me and I'm sure it's offensive to all those who have been fighting for centuries for equal opportunities. And please, listen to the women around you. They have opinions and ambitions and dreams that matter. Don't take that for granted.

Oh, and a late Happy International Women's Day to you.

Watch this video:

ps. Speaking of awesome women, check out the pink vigilantes. They've pretty much taken matters into their own hands when it comes to women's rights and being the most amazing people I've ever read about.

Look at them! So fierce and awesome.

Lesson #31

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Service.

Maybe some of you know me, and I'm sure a lot of you don't. Yet I guess one thing I've come to be known for by everyone is my "interesting" career choice - international development.

The ideal job would be working on a grassroots level with people, working on projects such as keeping girls in school, teaching healthier childbirth practices, and getting clean water to remote villages. I'd love to work specifically with women, as their condition tends to be much worse than their male counterparts.

This isn't what I'm writing about in this post, however. I'd like to talk about real service, something that Americans are either very genuine about or really terrible at. I want to address some issues that really bother me about the way things are done in this country with regards to aid and service.

a.) STOP using the word "help." When you use that term to describe what you're doing for someone else it implies superiority. This is what it sounds like: "I am 'helping' you because I am obviously more equipped to solve your problems than you are." Never use that word. Acceptable verbs include: serve, aid (sometimes), enable, and empower. But never "help."

b.) Money is a very useful tool to fund important programs, but Americans are infamous for their aid programs that do more harm than good. Before you donate money to an organization or "cause," do your research. Are they sustainable? What impact do they have on a community? Do people actually benefit?

ps. When in doubt, donate to The Church of Latter-day Saints. I'm not just saying that because I have strong ties to the church. They have one of the best humanitarian programs out there, not just abroad but also within the States. If you're looking for more specific causes, ask me sometime and I can get you a list of good organizations.

c.) You don't have to go abroad to do real service. In fact, a lot of times going to volunteer in developing countries is completely useless. I believe people can make a lot of difference within their own communities, and most of the time that's exactly where their skills can best be utilized.

d.) Contrary to what I'm sure your Sunday school lessons have taught you, I don't believe smiling at someone is an act of service. At least go up and talk to the person and ask them how their day is, or tell them they look nice. SOMETHING. Just don't count smiling as a service.

e.) My hopes for a future career is just that - a career. I don't want to go to these countries to feel good about myself or "help" other people. I'm not by any means a better person for choosing to do what I do. I am developing skills that I believe can be best utilized in developing countries. I believe that I have been born with certain talents and abilities that enable me to be able to live in developing countries and be effective.

I find happiness in what I do, but I hope that everyone could do the same in whatever they do, no matter the occupation.

That is all.