In honor of Thanksgiving, today's Lesson Objectives include:
What you should be grateful for because for some reason you don't already know.
1.) Be grateful for the food that doesn't sit well in the stomach yet seems to be eaten in tons every freaking Thanksgiving.
You know what I'm talking about. There's always that one dish, always brought by some obscure aunt or second cousin you've never met before or who you see every 10 years. They always come over and freak out in your face that you've grown up so much and you look super dooper and all that jazz. Then they shove their "famous pumpkin pie" or "homemade green bean casserole" crap into your hands and tell you to put it on the table. This of course gives you full responsibility to have to take the first spoonful of the nasty shiz, and for some reason your grandma doesn't think you're taking enough and the next thing you know there's a whole heaping pile of it on your plate. Worst of all, they kept the freaking dog tied up in the backyard, so now you can't feed it under the table. So now the only thing to do is eat it all and have sick poop for the next couple of days. But that's ok, because children are starving all over the world so be grateful you have food to give you bowel issues.
2.) Be grateful that Christmas music has now been given permission to be played 24/7 without people complaining that Thanksgiving is a real holiday too.
I hate those people. They freak out when they walk into the grocery store on November 1st and see Christmas stuff displayed and hear Christmas music playing overhead. Over and over you hear their obnoxious complaints - "Thanksgiving is an important holiday!" or "Why doesn't anyone appreciate Thanksgiving anymore?". Oh please. Thanksgiving is a holiday for fat people and those weird relatives who get a chance to make their sick nasty "specialties", which are only created for this time of year. Christmas is the best and you can't even argue. Actually, I prefer Christmakkuh, but that's a different story. Basically, be grateful Christmas is almost here and shut everyone's mouth that disagrees, unless they're Jewish.
3.) Be grateful for all the reruns of Anne of Green Gables, which happens to be the best thing that ever happened to public television.
I know what you're thinking. Those books/movies are only for old ladies and their cats and you have better things to do. Well, you're wrong. Spending most of my Thanksgiving weekend watching these movies while making paper snowflakes and eat an entire pizza by myself, I have come to respect and love these timeless classics. Perhaps the fact that I had almost no human contact that whole weekend and I devoted many many hours to sleeping on the couch in front of the tv had something to do with it. Nevertheless, I suggest renting all 3 of those movies and perferably watching them alone, partly so no one makes fun of you and partly because there's something to this lonely cat lady thing. Then you will see why it is necessary to be grateful for the entire Anne of Green Gables series and all the warm fuzzy feelings that it gives you.
11.30.2008
11.12.2008
Lesson #5
Today's Lesson Objectives include:
1.) Things that suck about men.
Men are pigs. They are the most vile, sick, putrid beings to ever walk the earth. They have little or no regard for other people's feelings. They can never bring themselves to commit to anything. Men are worthless to society unless they have money to shell out for the public good or they are willing to take out the trash. Worst of all, they only care about "spreading their seed" and eating cake, both of which require a woman's effort.
2.) Things that don't suck about men.
They can be very handsome and nice to look at. I'll get back to you if I think of anything else.
3.) Why women should never get married.
Females are the superior gender in all walks of life. They don't need men to succeed, men need them. Women are smarter, kinder, and better at everything. If they tie themselves down to inferior creatures, they are wasting their time and efforts. Men will never change, ladies. But you can do something for yourself today.
ps. This lesson has been dedicated to all boys who's names rhyme with "Spandrew".
1.) Things that suck about men.
Men are pigs. They are the most vile, sick, putrid beings to ever walk the earth. They have little or no regard for other people's feelings. They can never bring themselves to commit to anything. Men are worthless to society unless they have money to shell out for the public good or they are willing to take out the trash. Worst of all, they only care about "spreading their seed" and eating cake, both of which require a woman's effort.
2.) Things that don't suck about men.
They can be very handsome and nice to look at. I'll get back to you if I think of anything else.
3.) Why women should never get married.
Females are the superior gender in all walks of life. They don't need men to succeed, men need them. Women are smarter, kinder, and better at everything. If they tie themselves down to inferior creatures, they are wasting their time and efforts. Men will never change, ladies. But you can do something for yourself today.
ps. This lesson has been dedicated to all boys who's names rhyme with "Spandrew".
10.28.2008
Lesson #4
Today's Lesson Objectives Include:
1.) Playing the game "human knot" will never be the same after attempting it with Japanese kids.
When I tell you to picture an Asian person talking, what do you see and hear? There's a good chance that it is a small person with jet black hair speaking gibberish in a high-pitched sort of whiny voice. I don't mean disrespect to any Asians, but you have to admit this is what is pops into your head. And it's true. Now take that person you see and transform it into a 14 year old Japanese boy. Now add 30 more of them. Now picture them all in a circle holding hands trying to get themselves out of a knot they put themselves into and crank of the volume of their voices about 20 times. See it?
Absolutely hilarious.
2.) French hates everyone.
I'm talking about the language, not the people, though that is a definite possibility. I suppose french isn't so hard to learn if you are exposed to it all the time and study really hard, but what happens when you are a college student and you could care less? You guessed it. The stupid language decides to ruin your gpa. And on top of that you paid money to take the class and you still can't speak a lick of it. Word of advice: make everyone learn english.
3.) The laundromat is a haven for intellectual thinkers.
There is just something about the laundromat that calms your soul and cleanses the mind. Perhaps it is that intoxicating smell of detergent, or the fact that the heat is always on full blast. Whatever the case, it seems to bring out the best in everyone. Those who care about their grades find it a relaxing place to do homework and concentrate. For the others, which includes me, the laundromat seems a place of limitless possibilities for the mind. It all of the sudden becomes possible for me to be able to sit and stare at the wall or the spinning dryers for an hour and a half and think of absolutely nothing and LOVE it. I will live in one someday, I have decided. That or the testing center.
1.) Playing the game "human knot" will never be the same after attempting it with Japanese kids.
When I tell you to picture an Asian person talking, what do you see and hear? There's a good chance that it is a small person with jet black hair speaking gibberish in a high-pitched sort of whiny voice. I don't mean disrespect to any Asians, but you have to admit this is what is pops into your head. And it's true. Now take that person you see and transform it into a 14 year old Japanese boy. Now add 30 more of them. Now picture them all in a circle holding hands trying to get themselves out of a knot they put themselves into and crank of the volume of their voices about 20 times. See it?
Absolutely hilarious.
2.) French hates everyone.
I'm talking about the language, not the people, though that is a definite possibility. I suppose french isn't so hard to learn if you are exposed to it all the time and study really hard, but what happens when you are a college student and you could care less? You guessed it. The stupid language decides to ruin your gpa. And on top of that you paid money to take the class and you still can't speak a lick of it. Word of advice: make everyone learn english.
3.) The laundromat is a haven for intellectual thinkers.
There is just something about the laundromat that calms your soul and cleanses the mind. Perhaps it is that intoxicating smell of detergent, or the fact that the heat is always on full blast. Whatever the case, it seems to bring out the best in everyone. Those who care about their grades find it a relaxing place to do homework and concentrate. For the others, which includes me, the laundromat seems a place of limitless possibilities for the mind. It all of the sudden becomes possible for me to be able to sit and stare at the wall or the spinning dryers for an hour and a half and think of absolutely nothing and LOVE it. I will live in one someday, I have decided. That or the testing center.
10.09.2008
Lesson #3
Today's Lesson Objectives include...
1.) Find that one song that is so catchy it's annoying and sing it all around the apartment until everyone wants to shoot you.
My advice: pick a random song from a random musical. Sure, they may find it extremely annoying and want to bite your head off and feed it to the creepy kid who cuts the lawn out front, but soon enough they'll start singing it too. And when they start singing it, they start to love it almost or just as much as you do. Then you can create amazing musical fusion right in your own apartment! It's a great way to fix rivalries or release tension. I think this will eventually cause world peace and save many lives, to which I will not receive credit for.
2.) Think about your interests, skills, and values before you have to write them down.
The adviser I talked to today asked me to make a list of 25 interests of mine, 25 skills I possess, and 25 things I value. You think it's easy until you have to write it all down. I ended up having to say that I am interested in eating food, I am skilled in the art of procrastination, and I value facebook. If this was a grade I would surely fail...which means I fail at life! Don't make the same mistake. Create your list right this second! Then you will have it handy for the next time someone asks.
3.) Watching movies from your childhood is always a hilarious experience.
All the movies that must be re-watched:
My Neighbor Totoro
Space Jam
Swan Princess
Princess Bride
pretty much any Disney movie
Make this your weekend to-do list.
1.) Find that one song that is so catchy it's annoying and sing it all around the apartment until everyone wants to shoot you.
My advice: pick a random song from a random musical. Sure, they may find it extremely annoying and want to bite your head off and feed it to the creepy kid who cuts the lawn out front, but soon enough they'll start singing it too. And when they start singing it, they start to love it almost or just as much as you do. Then you can create amazing musical fusion right in your own apartment! It's a great way to fix rivalries or release tension. I think this will eventually cause world peace and save many lives, to which I will not receive credit for.
2.) Think about your interests, skills, and values before you have to write them down.
The adviser I talked to today asked me to make a list of 25 interests of mine, 25 skills I possess, and 25 things I value. You think it's easy until you have to write it all down. I ended up having to say that I am interested in eating food, I am skilled in the art of procrastination, and I value facebook. If this was a grade I would surely fail...which means I fail at life! Don't make the same mistake. Create your list right this second! Then you will have it handy for the next time someone asks.
3.) Watching movies from your childhood is always a hilarious experience.
All the movies that must be re-watched:
My Neighbor Totoro
Space Jam
Swan Princess
Princess Bride
pretty much any Disney movie
Make this your weekend to-do list.
10.06.2008
Lesson #2
Today's Lesson Objectives include:
1.) Midterms don't really matter if you've got a bag of oreos and some crazy music.
Your study sessions will never happen if you've got 2 or more girls with some major ADD and no desire to do homework, especially if you've waited until 1am to get started. So kick back, relax, and realize that you were going to fail that stupid test anyway. You might as well gain a couple pounds while you pass away your precious sleeping time talking about ridiculous boys and laughing at facebook pictures.
2.) Write yourself some letters so you don't feel like an idiot when you're the only one who doesn't receive any mail.
I'm writing 7 missionaries and a couple friends from back home and I still don't get any mail! I'm almost sick of waiting for the stupid mail truck everyday at 3:30pm when there's nothing to show for it. And what's worse is that I'm the first one there and I'm always the one with NO mail, minus some retarded ads for 30% off the next time you get your wisdom teeth out. Do someone a solid and write them a sweet letter or send them a cheesy card - it's the thought that always counts. Besides, there's a good chance their camping out by the mailbox waiting for their life to take some new direction.
1.) Don't let your uncertain future affect the way you live today. (You need a real lesson every now and then!)
I've been totally stressing in the past couple of days about my major and trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm stuck between trying to take one day at a time and being able to decide my major so that I can graduate in the time I was hoping to, between trying to figure out myself and the person I want to be or should be, between figuring out if I should go the distance with my education or just take the bare minimum. I decided to go to the advisement center on campus and talk to someone who could help me figure out a major for me, or at least point me in the right direction. While I was waiting on the bus for my stop, I picked up a school newspaper that was on the seat next to me. The cover story was about one of President Monson's talks at General Conference, and it read "I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future. Instead, find joy in the journey now." I felt so silly for being so blind to it all. Basically, all I'm trying to say is keep your eyes on the future but don't let go of today. It's all you get for the time-being.
1.) Midterms don't really matter if you've got a bag of oreos and some crazy music.
Your study sessions will never happen if you've got 2 or more girls with some major ADD and no desire to do homework, especially if you've waited until 1am to get started. So kick back, relax, and realize that you were going to fail that stupid test anyway. You might as well gain a couple pounds while you pass away your precious sleeping time talking about ridiculous boys and laughing at facebook pictures.
2.) Write yourself some letters so you don't feel like an idiot when you're the only one who doesn't receive any mail.
I'm writing 7 missionaries and a couple friends from back home and I still don't get any mail! I'm almost sick of waiting for the stupid mail truck everyday at 3:30pm when there's nothing to show for it. And what's worse is that I'm the first one there and I'm always the one with NO mail, minus some retarded ads for 30% off the next time you get your wisdom teeth out. Do someone a solid and write them a sweet letter or send them a cheesy card - it's the thought that always counts. Besides, there's a good chance their camping out by the mailbox waiting for their life to take some new direction.
1.) Don't let your uncertain future affect the way you live today. (You need a real lesson every now and then!)
I've been totally stressing in the past couple of days about my major and trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm stuck between trying to take one day at a time and being able to decide my major so that I can graduate in the time I was hoping to, between trying to figure out myself and the person I want to be or should be, between figuring out if I should go the distance with my education or just take the bare minimum. I decided to go to the advisement center on campus and talk to someone who could help me figure out a major for me, or at least point me in the right direction. While I was waiting on the bus for my stop, I picked up a school newspaper that was on the seat next to me. The cover story was about one of President Monson's talks at General Conference, and it read "I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future. Instead, find joy in the journey now." I felt so silly for being so blind to it all. Basically, all I'm trying to say is keep your eyes on the future but don't let go of today. It's all you get for the time-being.
10.01.2008
Lesson #1
Today's Lesson Objectives include:
1.) Never leave your apartment without your ID card if you plan on taking a test that day.
If a 20 minute walk to campus doesn't sound bad enough, try forgetting the most crucial item of your college life in your freaking apartment so you have to make 2 trips to campus. Oh, and it's to take an exam, which you never wanted to do in the first place. So at the end of the day you're grumpy from failing a test written in another language and walking till your legs fall off. Bad plan.
2.) Putting off homework is a bad idea but can greatly improve your social life.
Homework is lame sauce, and your freshman experiences only come once! Besides, you have 3 more years to bring your gpa back up. Even if you have absolutely nothing to do, avoid homework at all costs. Go listen to music, create inspirational messages to hang all over your apartment, stare at your roommate until they realize you're not talking anymore, or facebook it up. Chances are you're going to get married and drop out of college anyway, so go do something stupid.
3.) The roommates start to get a little crazy after 10pm, so watch yourself.
As we speak, my ridiculous "roomies" are taking insane pictures of themselves. They're not those cute funny pictures either. Pretty much I could print them off and send them to a mental institution as proof that those girls that live across the hallway need to be locked up. They are a danger to society at 10pm, and a danger to themselves after midnight. It's best to just let them do their own thing before they decide it would be better if you were doing it with them. Don't aggrivate the situation - they'll be normal by morning...hopefully.
1.) Never leave your apartment without your ID card if you plan on taking a test that day.
If a 20 minute walk to campus doesn't sound bad enough, try forgetting the most crucial item of your college life in your freaking apartment so you have to make 2 trips to campus. Oh, and it's to take an exam, which you never wanted to do in the first place. So at the end of the day you're grumpy from failing a test written in another language and walking till your legs fall off. Bad plan.
2.) Putting off homework is a bad idea but can greatly improve your social life.
Homework is lame sauce, and your freshman experiences only come once! Besides, you have 3 more years to bring your gpa back up. Even if you have absolutely nothing to do, avoid homework at all costs. Go listen to music, create inspirational messages to hang all over your apartment, stare at your roommate until they realize you're not talking anymore, or facebook it up. Chances are you're going to get married and drop out of college anyway, so go do something stupid.
3.) The roommates start to get a little crazy after 10pm, so watch yourself.
As we speak, my ridiculous "roomies" are taking insane pictures of themselves. They're not those cute funny pictures either. Pretty much I could print them off and send them to a mental institution as proof that those girls that live across the hallway need to be locked up. They are a danger to society at 10pm, and a danger to themselves after midnight. It's best to just let them do their own thing before they decide it would be better if you were doing it with them. Don't aggrivate the situation - they'll be normal by morning...hopefully.
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