Lesson #6

In honor of Thanksgiving, today's Lesson Objectives include:

What you should be grateful for because for some reason you don't already know.

1.) Be grateful for the food that doesn't sit well in the stomach yet seems to be eaten in tons every freaking Thanksgiving.

You know what I'm talking about. There's always that one dish, always brought by some obscure aunt or second cousin you've never met before or who you see every 10 years. They always come over and freak out in your face that you've grown up so much and you look super dooper and all that jazz. Then they shove their "famous pumpkin pie" or "homemade green bean casserole" crap into your hands and tell you to put it on the table. This of course gives you full responsibility to have to take the first spoonful of the nasty shiz, and for some reason your grandma doesn't think you're taking enough and the next thing you know there's a whole heaping pile of it on your plate. Worst of all, they kept the freaking dog tied up in the backyard, so now you can't feed it under the table. So now the only thing to do is eat it all and have sick poop for the next couple of days. But that's ok, because children are starving all over the world so be grateful you have food to give you bowel issues.

2.) Be grateful that Christmas music has now been given permission to be played 24/7 without people complaining that Thanksgiving is a real holiday too.

I hate those people. They freak out when they walk into the grocery store on November 1st and see Christmas stuff displayed and hear Christmas music playing overhead. Over and over you hear their obnoxious complaints - "Thanksgiving is an important holiday!" or "Why doesn't anyone appreciate Thanksgiving anymore?". Oh please. Thanksgiving is a holiday for fat people and those weird relatives who get a chance to make their sick nasty "specialties", which are only created for this time of year. Christmas is the best and you can't even argue. Actually, I prefer Christmakkuh, but that's a different story. Basically, be grateful Christmas is almost here and shut everyone's mouth that disagrees, unless they're Jewish.

3.) Be grateful for all the reruns of Anne of Green Gables, which happens to be the best thing that ever happened to public television.

I know what you're thinking. Those books/movies are only for old ladies and their cats and you have better things to do. Well, you're wrong. Spending most of my Thanksgiving weekend watching these movies while making paper snowflakes and eat an entire pizza by myself, I have come to respect and love these timeless classics. Perhaps the fact that I had almost no human contact that whole weekend and I devoted many many hours to sleeping on the couch in front of the tv had something to do with it. Nevertheless, I suggest renting all 3 of those movies and perferably watching them alone, partly so no one makes fun of you and partly because there's something to this lonely cat lady thing. Then you will see why it is necessary to be grateful for the entire Anne of Green Gables series and all the warm fuzzy feelings that it gives you.