Lesson #48

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) My eye hurts.

It really does. But. The reason for this post is because a) I'm super bored and b) I don't want to go to bed or take a shower.

Listen. I have a million things on my mind right now and I will share them with y'all.

1. I had a dream about Mitt Romney the other night. No idea why. It was creepy because in my dream I found him quite the foxy old man, and he wanted to take me out. I gagged ten times when I woke up and ran to the computer to fill my mind with good democratic knowledge...just to be safe.

2. Have you guys ever read the blog called Hyperbole and a Half? Well I think you should. She has a blog post called "This is Why I'll Never be an Adult" that is about me.

3. I have been watching like a gazillion episodes of 30 Rock everyday and it's the best thing ever. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN IT'S OVER!?!?!?

Watch this clip.

4. I went to my grandparents' on Sunday to make delicious bread and I ate all of it. ALL OF IT. I'm a fatty pig and I'm ok with it.

5. I've realized that my blog posts are not really lessons anymore. So here are the things you must learn for this week:

a) 30 Rock is the best show ever and you must watch it asap.

b) Haiti is a country in the Caribbean, not Africa.

c) My birthday is on Tuesday and I really like cat things. And chocolate things.

The end.

Lesson #47

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) BIRTHDAY!!!!

Ok. So today is not my birthday, or even the day after. BUT my birthday IS next Tuesday, the 24th. Don't forget it.

I love love love my birthday. I have a lot of friends that don't understand my obsession, but I think most of them don't come from large families so they don't understand what it's like! Growing up with 4 other siblings and 2 working parents, you don't get a ton of attention unless you're a baby or you've done something wrong. Yet birthdays were magical in the sense that all of the sudden your parents FINALLY recognized you as the best thing on earth for a whole 24 hours, which means that you didn't have to do any chores! Yes, this was the highlight of my birthdays - there is nothing better than watching your siblings do all the chores you were previously assigned to.

Listen. I have some good birthday stories.

May 24th, 1996: My friend Maddie remembers this birthday more than I do, but apparently my mom had a party for me and gave all of us hats that we could decorate however we wanted. She had a table full of fake flowers and silly ribbons and such. I'm sure it was fantastic, I just can't remember any of it. I DO remember Maddie's birthday that year, however, because she had a Barbie cake. Me = so jealous.

May 24th, 2002: My mom took some friends and I to the mall. Every 12 year-old's dream, right? I bought a pocket hairbrush from Icing. I also ate delicious mall food.

May 24th, 2005: My family forgot about my birthday. I got to school and none of my friends remembered it was my birthday. My mom picked me up from school and I was sobbing. THEN she realized what day it was and bought me 3 new pairs of shoes. Score.

May 24th, 2006: I wasn't going to let ANYONE forget, so my bestie Fayrina (her birthday is today! Happy birthday Fay!!!) and I threw a gigantic party and I think 60 people showed up. Win.

May 24th, 2007: Best. Birthday. Ever.

I was sitting in choir class (it was a final day, so classes were much longer) and we were watching a movie to pass the time because that class was a joke. All of the sudden, my brother Brent walked into the room and gave me a pink rose and walked out. Then one of my friends walked in and gave me a rose and walked out. This happened 12 times with 12 different guys, including one dude I had a huge crush on. It was the nicest thing that ever happened to me! Every single girl in that room fell in love with my brother that day, I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, the idea here is that after my 15th birthday I promised myself that would NEVER happen again, so I've been making my birthday a huge deal since then.

SO.

Don't forget. May 24th, we will party in honor of my 21 years of life by drinking and gambling.

Just kidding.

But we WILL have a birthday cat present.

ps. If you read this post, you have to comment with either:

a.) your "best birthday ever" story

b.) all the reasons you love me

c.) what you're getting me for my b-day

Lesson #46

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) PDA

I feel like I've already addressed this issue, but I'm bringing it up again. My friend Amanda suggested it to me, and so here I go.

I HATE PDA.

For those of you who have been living under a rock for 100 years, PDA = public displays of affection.

Now, I know some of you might say something to the effect of, "Oh, so I'm not allowed to let my boyfriend know how much I love him in front of his friends?," to which I might reply, "Does your tongue have to be in his mouth to let him know you love him?"

However, I understand there are different levels of PDA, and some may or may not be appropriate to share with the world. Let's break it down into 5 bases (from my version of baseball):

Base #1 - Staring longingly at each other.

If this happens during lunch, fine. Whatever. Sometimes it's actually hilarious to watch as you flirt shamelessly across the room. Just don't do it near me. It freaks me out in close quarters.

Base #2 - Holding hands.

I find this acceptable in public with moderation. I just really despise the couples that HAVE to be holding hands ALL THE TIME. For example, there was a couple in one of my classes that held hands during class, and the girl always sat in front of the boy. HOLY AWKWARD. And uncomfortable-looking. How could they enjoy that? I also hate when people are walking through a tight space and refuse to let me pass through them without breaking their hands, so we end up doing this creepy version of "London Bridge." Hate it.

Base #3 - Cuddling.

Some of you might say that this comes before holding hands in a relationship, but in public it usually comes after. Aaaand it's repulsive. You just look super awkward and you make everyone else feel that way too.

Base #4 - Kissing.

I've always hated people kissing in public, and I've never done it myself. I feel like those moments should be kept private, even if it's just a "peck." That word itself suggests you're a bird. But "passionate" kissing should ALWAYS be withheld from the public's eyes. It's just wrong and you look stupid.

Base #5 - Kissy pictures on facebook.

Two things to address here. First off, I understand that this cannot be the last base. I did take a sex ed class, so I know the drill. However, where I live no one makes it past this point, and if they do they are eternally punished unless they're married. Even then no one likes talking about it, so this is as far as we get. Second on the agenda, YOUR KISSY PICTURES DO NOT BELONG ON FACEBOOK. Ooooo they are so nasty. And weird. And just dumb. I KNOW you're in a relationship with her, it says so on your info tab. You don't have to prove it by documenting your love-making that nobody wants to see. And again, it just looks weird.

That is all on this topic of conversation.

Lesson #45

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Dating.

Ok. This is a secret post, meaning I probably won't tell anyone about it so if you happen to come across yay for you. It's also embarrassing for me so I'm probably going to delete soon. Ha.

Anyway, I'm sick and tired of getting comments like, "You're single? How is that possible? You're so cute!" and it's making me sick. Do you realize it's insulting? You're basically telling me that a) being attractive is all I really need to get a man and b) if I'm attractive and still single, there must be something wrong with me.

Well GUESS WHAT. There is something "wrong" with me, and it's called I have a LIFE.

For the benefit of my lovely mother and other members of my family [and friends] who think I should date more, I will explain the reasons I don't.

1. I have this weird obsession with the idea of being single and 30. Mom, don't have a heart attack when you read this.

2. I have ridiculously high standards. When I say that I mean I have very particular things that I look for in men, and if they don't possess it then I'm not interested. For example, they can't be scared of me. This is a little difficult. I also tend to dislike guys who open my car door for me. This all makes me seem snobbish, I know.

3. I'm very focused on my potential future, and I find that men can inhibit that. Not ok with me.

4. I don't touch people. According to my brother, this severely damages my prospects because apparently guys really like a girl who doesn't hug the other side of the couch while watching a movie. I can't help it, ok?! It's nothing against you.

5. Men who want relationships scare me...a little bit.

So there you have it. I should add an unofficial #6: I dream of hunky French men. And Asian men. Not a lot of those around here. Buuuuut that's beside the point. I don't date because I'm not interested in dating, and I haven't met anyone to convince me otherwise. Also, there is NO WAY anyone I date will be as lovely as Mr. Knightley. Jane Austen's characters have shattered my dreams of reality.

Lesson #44

Today's Lesson Objective today includes:

1.) Mothers.

Before I dive into today's thoughts, I'd just like to give a shout out to my mama.

She's pretty awesome, though we do have our differences. Over the years we've had some rough spots, but at the end of the day she's always there for me. I remember there would be days I'd come home from school so depressed and my mom would draw up a bath and let me eat graham crackers and chocolate frosting while soaking in bubbles. It was the best, not to mention the towel she would warm up in the dryer. It was heaven. We would stay up so late talking and laughing and by the morning I'd forget what I was so upset about. That's my mother.

Wanna know something else cool about my mother? She's a working mom. For as long as I can remember, my mom has had a job.

In church today, we listened to 3 people speak to the congregation - 2 women and 1 man. The women talked about the importance of mothers, how they've affected their life, etc. You know, typical mother things. The man, not to my surprise, decided to address mothers and their need to stay in the home and how bad it is for them to work because men are incapable of filling that need for the children.

Dear man who spoke in church: Kiss my butt.

Why is it that raising children has been seen as only a woman's duty? This makes me sick. It seems there's a huge emphasis on separating motherhood from fatherhood, but really they're under the same umbrella of parenthood. Hate to break it to you boys, but you have to raise your children too! I have faith that you can do it.

Motherhood shouldn't be different from fatherhood, in my opinion. Aside from my mother physically giving birth to me, the only reason she's different from my father is because her name is Suzanne and she's a very talkative, very bubbly person. My father, Timothy, is a very stoic and quiet person. Naturally, my relationships with these people are different. But they are both equally my parents because they were both very active in the process of raising me, even when they were both working.

I'd also like to note that you should NEVER judge mothers who work. You don't understand the circumstances that surround that, and it's none of your business. And just because she works doesn't mean she's less of a parent or that her family suffers because of it. I have a few inappropriate words for those who give mothers a hard time for working outside the home.

I salute all the mothers out there who are single or divorced or widowed or married. God knows you're probably doing the brunt of the work, and for that you deserve the best. It seems women don't have the luxury of choosing when to be parent, and they're always trying to fill the missing holes that other people leave behind. You guys are awesome, not just because you're parents, but because you're you. We love you.

Lesson #43

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) You don't know what real love is.

I have a lot of pet peeves, but every time someone asks me what they are I can't name more than two. BUT. I thought of one while reading a blog. And this is how it goes:

I really really really HATE it when people are obsessed with something they know nothing about. For example, there are 50 million girls in America right now that have all sorts of jewelry or posters or lamp shades that depict the Eiffel Tower. You don't deserve to wear that sacred symbol! Worse than that, many of these people have rich parents that take them to France where they can spend all their money pretending they're French, when in fact they can't speak a lick of the language and they're obnoxious tourists that French people don't actually like!

Get it through your heads. Liking France and really appreciating it are two different things. You don't get to because you haven't spent three years of your life conjugating verbs in the subjunctive. So there.

Another one that I DESPISE are girls that are obsessed with "vintage" things. First of all girls, you have no idea what that word means. When you say the word "vintage" you are basically describing anything made before the 1990's and after the early 1800's. That's a freaking huge time period, in case you didn't know. Most girls like to pin it to the 1920's through the 60's, but each of those decades are known for different trends and styles in music, dress, and art. So you really can't group them into one word. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I guess a lot of these people feel like they're entitled because they have the money to go to France and buy "vintage" clothes, but you don't understand the true essence so TOO BAD. I win.

2.) Real love is in the form of Asian men.

Ok, sorry about my rant. I had to get that out. And for your cooperation, I will let you in a little secret that I've decided I'm not so ashamed of anymore: I am extremely attracted to Asian men.

I don't know why I've had this secret obsession, but I believe it all started when I first saw Cinderella with Brandy. You know the one I'm talking about? You can't miss it. Brandy (Cinderella) is black and her stepmother is white, yet one of her step-sisters is black and the other one is white. The queen is black and the king is white, and their son is Asian. It's awesome. Anyway, so I find that prince hunky and always have.

Yum.

So after that I was in love. I distinctly remember watching the 2000 Olympics in Australia and thinking the Japanese gymnasts were soooooo hot. It just went downhill from there.

Now you know my secret. I hope you liked it.

Lesson #42

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Everyone is terrified of me.

I have a best friend named Laura. Laura and I first [officially] met our junior year of high school in World Literature. However, we didn't become friends until our senior year in AP Literature because Laura was scared of me, and I thought she was mean.

From what I understand, Laura thought I was a "gothic emo girl who hated the world and everyone in it." That's not a direct quote, but I'd say it's pretty accurate. I'm pretty sure she just attributed this to the fact that I had really dark hair and I never talked to her. But I never talked to her because I thought she was mean!

The point is, it was all about MISCOMMUNICATION. Always.

I've heard recently about a lot of people who are terrified of me. I'm not sure why, but I give off this vibe of being the meanest person alive. That's only true depending on who you are and if you deserved it. Anyway, I feel like I'm not that mean or scary of a person, at least not once you get to know me. So I've decided to compile a list of all the reasons I probably scare people.

1 - I don't like smiling at people I don't know EVER, particularly in weird places. See post here for more details.

2 - My "resting" face is apparently a death look. And by "resting" face I mean the one I have when I'm sitting in the library not using my face muscles while I'm reading about women's education in India. Or the one when I'm just not doing anything at all. I've heard I give death threats through these looks, but I'm really not paying attention at all to my surroundings.

3 - Somebody has either pissed me off or been near me when someone/something else has. I'm not a happy camper when that happens, and, quite frankly, you should be scared of me.

4 - I handle grief very different from a lot of people. I curl up in a ball and sleep a lot, and if you try to talk to me I'll bite your ears off. I get very testy when people try to talk to me while I'm upset, and I feel bad because no body really knows how to handle it.

5 - I'm a democratic feminist who loves France.

Ok, so now you know all the reasons people perceive me as scary, you should know that my favorite color is pink and my favorite animals switch off everyday from pandas, walruses, elephants, and lorises. I cry while watching Fox and the Hound EVERY TIME. I also have lots of friends...I guess I consider this to be a sign that I'm not terrifying because multiple people enjoy my company.

So please don't be scared of me. Unless you've done something really mean to my family, which in that case you probably should be scared of me.

The end.

ps. My friend Amanda (see [a liberation broadcast] on the right -->) just gave me this lovely comic, and I'm pretty sure it's me. Refer back to #2 on the list.