Lesson #15

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Dementors.

For all of you avid Harry Potter fans, I thought I would make reference to dementors. It's only appropriate to speak of these happiness-sucking, depression-causing creatures during finals week. Let's sum it up in 5 words:

Finals are synonymous with dementors.

While procrastinating my studying yesterday, I came across a clip from the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman (who looks EXACTLY like Nelson Mandela. Like they're twins.). In this particular snippet from the movie, Mr. Mandela was reciting a poem that helped him survive incarceration. The name of this poem, coincidentally, is called "Invictus." It goes as follows:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

This of course inspired me to write words of encouragement to all my fellow college students. Ready?:

You can do it!

Yay for getting good grades!

Just kidding! Passing is good too!

Just because you failed doesn't mean you fail at life!

Exclamation points should always make you feel better!

It's ok, Jesus loves you.

And gosh darn it guys, you are the captain of your soul! So don't you dare forget to use the Petronus charm to finish your finals and save your soul.


ps. I'm sorry to all of the BYU students who have taken their finals already. I know without my words of encouragement you most likely failed and have no soul anymore. That's ok. Jesus still loves you.

Lesson #14

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Blasphemous professors.

I was fortunate enough to take a class from a very confused old man during the last few months. It really has been quite the adventure. Somewhere between him claiming that he was really supposed to have been born in 1872 in Germany because of a dream he had and his moving stories about throwing sticks before he hurt his knee, I was struck with an idea - I need to have a dream explaining why I prefer nature to modern (and distasteful) industrial life. I mean, if his dream explained why he felt like he never fit in with technology and why he prefers wearing wool vests with wooden buttons, then surely God would give me a dream to explain why I love nature and soaking up the sun for hours and lathering mud all over my feet!

So, of course, I did dream about how I was supposed to have been born a tree in 1753 in Canada. I guess the angel with the list (who may or may not have been my roommate) forgot about me and the only place that was left for my spirit was in the body of a girl born in 1990 in the US. She had to live in Nebraska, which is the reject of all the states, but the angel promised me that there would be lots of trees so I would feel at home. I jolted awake from my dream [that happened to take place while I was fully conscious] and I ran around for joy. Finally! My strange tendencies to roll around in mud and turn green were explained! I was supposed to be a tree!

Thank goodness my professor was able to open my eyes and help me to realize my true potential. For our last class together today, he dressed up as the man he was supposed to be (authentic wardrobe and everything) and was able to be "in his element," as he put it. He inspired me to do the same - tomorrow I am going to stand in the park, drink water through my feet (not as easy as it looks), and photosynthesize. I encourage all of you to find your real self by dreaming about who you were really supposed to come to earth as and chase your dreams, just like me and my professor. Don't forget to share your special revelation with everyone you know and even those you don't!

Lesson #13

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Setting your sights too high.

I find it very ironic and also slightly creepy that this lesson is the unlucky number of 13, as today's lesson is derived from a very long month of being on a very unlucky roller coaster. Let's just say that I've learned 2 pertinent things from this bumpy and very awkward ride:

a. Don't pick a roller coaster you can't handle.

b. If you do, buckle up and prepare to throw up when it's over.

Roller coasters are very fickle. They're never sure what direction to take so they just let the track lead them until they end up spiraling down a large hill headed for disaster. Yet somehow they manage to make it. They coast into the gate, relived it's all over and back to normal. What about the passengers, you might ask? They love the ride. They think it's great. They have total confidence in the roller coaster that it knows what it's doing and where it's going. Then that great big mountain of a track comes. The passenger can see the drop but can't stop from falling down. Panic is manifested in the silent screams as they plummet to the bottom. Yet they too, make it out ok...but slightly more terrified and permanently damaged as compared to the roller coaster. Many passengers end up having trust issues with other roller coasters for the rest of their lives.

The moral of that very clever and highly intelligent analogy is this: roller coasters suck. They really do. But I keep riding them. I probably will for a really long time. So will you. And I guess someday we'll find a roller coaster that doesn't make us want to cry or make us feel nauseous. When that day comes, I'll most likely be at Disneyland. And it will most likely be the teacup ride.

Lesson #12

Today's lesson objectives include:

1.) Wanting to die.

Recently I've become a victim of annoying myself past the point where it's allowed.

You know what I mean, right?

That feeling where words are flowing out and you feel like you really shouldn't be saying those words but for some reason you keep going until you reach the point where you really can't stop or backtrack = my life at the present moment.

I have been officially annoying myself (and others - they too are included in this cycle of death). It's disgusting. I've been involved in some conversations lately that I just wish had never happened, or at least not the parts where I babbled about absolutely nothing and then proceeded to relay all the information that has been stored in my brain; this information includes but is not limited to what I learned in class on a particular day, my deepest darkest secrets, and what I think about the current political situation in Haiti.

I might also add that it doesn't really help when you're trying not to make a fool of yourself in front of a certain someone, yet this is still accomplished because for some reason you're going through a "why am I not shutting up?" phase.

I guess this lesson we've learned here is:

a. Learn when to shut up.
b. If you feel like you might be annoying, you probably are.
c. I use way too many run-on sentences.

Lesson #11

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Don't dismiss New Moon so easily.

I don't even comprehend the idea of refusing to see New Moon if you're a girl. Sure, it's cheesy. Yes, Bella makes you want to kill yourself because she's so stupid. But seriously, are you human? Who actually goes to movies because of the plot line and the development of the characters?

I sure as hell don't.

Numero uno, Jacob in the movie is so freaking sexy it makes you sweat a little. Numero dos, JACOB IS SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. And I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but I find Edward to be quite beautiful himself. Oh, if I could get inside those pants...sorry Grandma, if you're reading this.

Now, I understand why some guys are hesitate to view this film. It's definitely a chick flick. And as stated previously, it's just brimming over with bare chests and perfect abs. HOWEVER, I'm hoping that you'll get the point - go start working out. Now that millions of girls have been exposed to what a man's body should look like, they will be expecting it. I would hate to see you miss out because you couldn't get it past your thick head that girls will be girls, and they can be VERY shallow (and you thought men were all by themselves...).

And that's all I have to say about that.

Lesson #10

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Nobody likes a Penelope.

First things first, let's define a Penelope:

Penelope Tutorial

So I am hoping that you have inferred that a Penelope is someone who thinks it is ok to one-up everyone to the point where you can't stand them. Now, I understand that everyone has their moments. I for one have definitely fallen victim to the Penelope monster, yet I hope it really wasn't to the extent of the tutorial.

The moral of this story is please don't be one. Nobody will like you. Nobody will enjoy hanging out with you, except for maybe others of your kind. Thinking about that conversation makes my head hurt.

Just accept the fact that I'm cooler than you from the get-go and then I wouldn't have to brag about having been to all the Muppets' weddings. Got it?

Lesson #9

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Quit being a pansy.

At a university where 1 in 4 students are married or engaged, I've been asking myself why I haven't been asked out on a real date since last fall semester. My first thought was "well, maybe I'm just not very attractive." Then I move in with 5 of the cutest girls in the world and 3 of them have as much luck as I do! So obviously that conclusion cannot be correct. So then I thought "well, maybe I'm just not cool enough." Not true. I'm hilarious and so are my roommates. We have quality personalities.

So then what is it??? I have yet to answer that question. But while I'm sitting here wondering why I never get a chance I hear boys saying "all girls date jerks so I never have a chance." What a bunch of bologna you pansies. Quality girls like my roommates and I can sniff those junkies from 50 miles away and we definitely stay away.

Do us a favor. Get up off your butts and make a girl's day. Asking her out on a date is not asking for a commitment...and you just might be surprised how many amazing girls there are out there.