Lesson #37

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Faith.

Everything I'm about to write right now is word vomit, just so you know. I'm sitting in the library and I've only accomplished one tiny ounce of the massive pile of homework I have. Don't worry, I'll probably stay up all night. Love when that happens.

So. I watched a movie recommended to me by a friend called Creation. It's about Charles Darwin and his internal debates with publishing his famous book "Origin of Species" and about his crumbling marriage with his wife right after his daughter dies. Anyway, I think this movie goes much much deeper than just religion vs. science, though that is obviously addressed as his wife is a devout Christian.

What I'm trying to get at is this really strange quote that's been haunting me ever since the doctor's character in the movie said it. Basically what happens is Charles gets really ill, both physically but especially mentally, and he ends up seeking help from a doctor. So they're both sitting down and for the first time (that the audience is aware of) Charles is talking about things that have been on his mind, like the fact that he sees and talks to his dead daughter. He talks about how his wife turned to religion for her comfort and he is still lost because he thinks she's gone forever. Then the doctor says,

"You say you take no comfort from religion, but do you have faith?"

To be honest, I have no idea what this means. Maybe Charles didn't either. Perhaps he meant to ask if Charles has faith in his own convictions. Perhaps he meant to ask if Charles had faith in anything at all. I don't know. This is going to bother me all night.

I find it interesting how everyone handles grief and hardship. I shy away from everyone and sleep a lot. My brother tries to fix everything. My friend eats a lot. I know people who pretend it never happened, people who cry, people who scream, people who try to forget it by losing themselves in service. Most people I know also turn to their faith. They believe that if they put their trust in God everything will work out for the best. And it usually does.

My theory is that after their daughter's death, Charles was perhaps jealous of his wife's faith. Perhaps he was jealous that she turned to a God who had all the answers, whereas he felt he had to believe that there was no God and no afterlife and no more Annie. Maybe he was right, perhaps we're just a part of nature - we're born, we live, we die, and if we're lucky we leave offspring strong enough to survive. But what kind of existence is that? I feel like there has to be more to just living and dying, or else my life loses purpose.

Those are my thoughts at this late hour.

Told you it was word vomit. More like mind vomit, I suppose.

ps. I love monkeys.