Lesson #11

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Don't dismiss New Moon so easily.

I don't even comprehend the idea of refusing to see New Moon if you're a girl. Sure, it's cheesy. Yes, Bella makes you want to kill yourself because she's so stupid. But seriously, are you human? Who actually goes to movies because of the plot line and the development of the characters?

I sure as hell don't.

Numero uno, Jacob in the movie is so freaking sexy it makes you sweat a little. Numero dos, JACOB IS SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. And I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but I find Edward to be quite beautiful himself. Oh, if I could get inside those pants...sorry Grandma, if you're reading this.

Now, I understand why some guys are hesitate to view this film. It's definitely a chick flick. And as stated previously, it's just brimming over with bare chests and perfect abs. HOWEVER, I'm hoping that you'll get the point - go start working out. Now that millions of girls have been exposed to what a man's body should look like, they will be expecting it. I would hate to see you miss out because you couldn't get it past your thick head that girls will be girls, and they can be VERY shallow (and you thought men were all by themselves...).

And that's all I have to say about that.

Lesson #10

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Nobody likes a Penelope.

First things first, let's define a Penelope:

Penelope Tutorial

So I am hoping that you have inferred that a Penelope is someone who thinks it is ok to one-up everyone to the point where you can't stand them. Now, I understand that everyone has their moments. I for one have definitely fallen victim to the Penelope monster, yet I hope it really wasn't to the extent of the tutorial.

The moral of this story is please don't be one. Nobody will like you. Nobody will enjoy hanging out with you, except for maybe others of your kind. Thinking about that conversation makes my head hurt.

Just accept the fact that I'm cooler than you from the get-go and then I wouldn't have to brag about having been to all the Muppets' weddings. Got it?

Lesson #9

Today's Lesson Objectives include:

1.) Quit being a pansy.

At a university where 1 in 4 students are married or engaged, I've been asking myself why I haven't been asked out on a real date since last fall semester. My first thought was "well, maybe I'm just not very attractive." Then I move in with 5 of the cutest girls in the world and 3 of them have as much luck as I do! So obviously that conclusion cannot be correct. So then I thought "well, maybe I'm just not cool enough." Not true. I'm hilarious and so are my roommates. We have quality personalities.

So then what is it??? I have yet to answer that question. But while I'm sitting here wondering why I never get a chance I hear boys saying "all girls date jerks so I never have a chance." What a bunch of bologna you pansies. Quality girls like my roommates and I can sniff those junkies from 50 miles away and we definitely stay away.

Do us a favor. Get up off your butts and make a girl's day. Asking her out on a date is not asking for a commitment...and you just might be surprised how many amazing girls there are out there.

Lesson #8

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Moses is freaking sexy.

I've always kinda had a thing for men from the scriptures who lived thousands of years ago. Captain Moroni - what a hunk. He was totally my numero uno...until this past weekend! I freaking forgot how much I love The Ten Commandments and the amazingly beautiful Charlton Heston...until his hair turns gray, because that's kinda weird. But when he's working in the slave pits and he's all shirtless and sweaty and sexy...mmm. Also, I watched Prince of Egypt, which if you haven't seen you must do right this second. It is like the bestest movie ever. And if that cartoon character was human I would be all over him.

So if you're feeling down you should rent both of those movies and drool over the gorgeous depictions of Moses. It will make you more depressed and lonely.

Lesson #7

Today's Lesson Objective is:

1.) Awkward people smiling awkwardly in awkward places.

It's just my luck that I happen to be one of the most unsmiley people in the world, especially in one of the most smiley places on earth. I just attract the strangest half-smiles all over the place! They are commonly the result of one of two situations.

First - I will catch someone staring at me, but it's not even in an appropriate people-watching place. They'll be sitting right across from me on the bus, and for some reason think they can get away with staring at me without being noticed. Then they finally realize I'm staring back at them, and they give that weird, half smile thing like we're best friends or something. My conclusion only comes to two options: they think I'm freaking hot or hideously ugly. In any case, why the freak are they smiling at me now? Is it supposed to make me feel better, especially since I just caught them judging me? Retards.

Second - The awkward bathroom smile. It's the WORST. It always happens in the same sequence; I come out of the stall, go to the sink to wash my hands, look up in the mirror and BAM! Some freaky chick next to me is smiling that sick half/awkward smile I despise. WHAT THE FREAK. I just can't tell if it means "I just heard you crap but it's ok because it's totally normal" or "I like your hair but I'm not going to say anything and the next best alternative is to smile creepily" or maybe even "I'm bathroom stalking you...if I kinda smile, maybe you'll finally notice". All of the above = nast.

Moral of the story: Just don't freaking smile unless you have a freaking good reason.


I'm moving to France.