Whitney was one of my companions on my mission in Germany, and besides being pretty great she also happens to be a really talented writer. In fact, she champions her own awesome blog with her husband about their writing escapades. So when she asked if she could write something "feministy" for my blog*, the immediately answer was something to the effect of, "YES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE."
*I would like to add that I claim all responsibility for inspiring her feminist dreams.
*I would like to add that I claim all responsibility for inspiring her feminist dreams.
I hope you enjoy - feel free to share your thoughts and hopes and dreams below!
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4 Ways You Can Have a Major Feminist Impact on the Men in Your Life
A few days ago, I
asked my husband if he considered himself a feminist. “No” was the simple
answer.
“What do you consider
yourself, then?” I asked.
“I don’t consider
myself anything. I just think that men and women should be equal and it’s a
simple, reasonable thing to expect.”
As much as we agree
on so many things about how things should be different in society, he plans to
go without a label. He goes without a label because as Lesa has once pointed out, “feminism” is a new-age F-word to people who don’t quite understand the
term or the people using the label. He doesn’t call me a feminist, either. He
just calls me his equal.
So, to my fellow
sisters and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’d
like to share four ways you can help your guy friends—in
and out of the church—realize that they’re probably feminists too; they just
don’t realize it yet.
1. Don’t Lecture—Share
John M. Gottman,
author of The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work, knew when communication between spouses were a bust just by
a tell-tale sign he calls “stonewalling.” He basically says that sometimes two
people fight so much about something, that one person has a dramatic monologue
and the other person doesn’t even bother arguing anymore; they disengage.
If you want to be a
good influence on men or women, you can’t let them start to disengage. A way to
do this is to have a two-way conversation, rather than a rant to finally hash
out all your frustration you have against society on one poor person.
Guys don’t like to be
lectured to, especially about feminism. If you need further proof, just check
out #NotAllMen. Guys know that men mistreat women, and being blamed for all
those mistakes is not something they can champion for you.
Instead, share. Have
a conversation. This would mean that you’re sharing your thoughts about a
subject, and you ask for his opinion. He’s allowed to have an opinion, right?
He’s going to realize
at one point or another that he really does agree—that might not be until he’s
got a little daughter of his own. Give him the benefit of the doubt; he needs
to hear what it’s like to be a woman to really understand the daily ways he can
show more respect to women. However, you can’t be responsible for changing his
world in a day.
2. Don’t Divide—Show Your Support
Rather than hating on
all guys, show how you personally value priesthood holders in your life. If you
really believe in equality, look out for their rights, too.
They have to get “the
talk” about porn, missions, and being temple-worthy just as much as we are
pressured to get married, have kids, and dress modestly. How would you like
sitting in a white shirt and tie and be lectured at for an hour on pornography
or masturbation? They understand us more than we think.
Feminism has become
so vile in the mouths of men (and women), because it plants the idea in their
minds that by being a feminist, you must hate all men, or put them all on the
same level as vile, untrustworthy, and incompetent. Well, we know that’s not
true.
We can show
legitimate support for the men that hold the priesthood—not merely because they
hold the priesthood, but because they are mortal men trying to be worthy of the
power ordained of God. They want to use their authority to bless their families
and their community, so why not give them the confidence they need to do it?
3. Don’t Complain—Offer Solutions
It’s hard being in
your 20s and all of a sudden, a world of hatred, misunderstanding, and
injustice is unfolded before you. What’s a woman to do? I highly doubt that
what I do will ever change the whole world in a day, but I know I have a small
realm of influence that I can slowly improve with much more time.
If you feel like the
women of the gospel could use a better example, why not be one? If they need a
more fulfilling role in the ward you’re a part of—ask your bishop what you and
the sisters can do. Find the boundary between what is gospel and what is
"just the way things have always been” and help where you can actually
help change something.
In essence, you can
preach to your brothers in the gospel or nonmember friends until you’re blue in
the face about what needs to be changed—but unless you have legitimate
solutions or suggestions, it’ll only sound like ranting. Rantings give men the
invitation to start stonewalling, and at the end, no one wins.
4. Don’t Get Mad—Get Spiritual
Instead of being
upset with the fact that you can’t change others, be at peace, knowing that you
can change yourself. Don’t let others bastardize your beliefs or testimony.
General Conference has
come and gone. Who has enlightened you to recognize what you can do to change,
and give you that power to change?
You can be a catalyst
for change. Just don’t let it consume who you are and what you believe. As in,
if you spend too much time devoting time trying to change other people, it will
lead to a lot of frustration and self-doubt. I had a lot of that on my mission,
trust me. People change when they want to, and on their own terms.
Trying to Be a “Good” Feminist
There is a famous logical
fallacy called fallacy of composition,
or basically thinking that what is true of a part must be true of the whole
group. That would be like high school friends thinking that you had three moms.
They heard one story about polygamy and thought it applied to everyone.
While this is
considered a bad way to argue anything, what if men and women thought Mormon
women were kick-ass and spiritual because they knew you? The media seems set on
how they view us as women—subservient or whiny—and they don’t seem ready to
change their minds. If that’s not who you are, then you can influence the
people around you by your testimony and your genuine personality.
Know that Heavenly
Father gave you a beautiful mind and spirit; He trusts that you will create
small victories in this world to bring people closer together and hopefully
closer to Him and His love.
Whitney, a BYU graduate, is a writer, editor, and Pinterest addict. She claims that she realized she was a feminist in Germany as a sister missionary. Germany can do interesting things to the heart.
You can find details about her current writings and obsessions through her website: witandtravesty.wordpress.com
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