Lesson #30

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Hot lunch.

Remember how in elementary school "hot lunch" was the shiz? Me too. I waited patiently for every other Friday when crispitos were graciously served and my mom would let us buy one. I was obsessed with those things, and thinking back on it I don't even know what they were really made of. But that doesn't matter - it's the principle of the matter. Buying lunch at school was cool because a.) Mom never extended beyond the boundaries of a turkey sandwich and carrots and b.) it meant awesomeness, that somehow you were better than all the other losers that had to bring "cold lunches."

Well, the tables have turned my friends. It is no longer kosher to buy food at school and be cool. No, if you do that everyone thinks you're fat and/or lazy. Bringing your own food from home now implies 2 things, namely a.) you're frugal and/or b.) you're healthier (maybe) and/or c.) you're somehow less lazy than the person who was running late in the morning and didn't have time to stop and make a freaking sandwich.

I'm probably being confusing right now. That would make sense, because my brain is being very confusing right now. BUT LISTEN. I really do have a point. That is...

Stop JUDGING me when I buy food on campus and it's NOT a SALAD!!!

I see all those eyes staring at me when I pick up some Chex Mix from the vending machine on my way to class or when I'm absolutely craving a Charleston Chew and I eat it on the way to work. It's not ok. You a.) make me feel fat and b.) make me want to punch you and c.) make me want to record all the calories you consume during the day in secret. After that you might not want to show your face in public because HEAVEN FORBID you ate a cookie for breakfast.

The fact of the matter is I'm embarrassed to eat in public. No. Scratch that. I'm afraid to eat on campus unless it's a celery stick. That's not ok. I'm a good person! I sometimes eat like crap but I sure as heck don't look like it! So stop judging.

Please and thank you.

Lesson #29

Today's Lesson Objective includes:

1.) Personal space.

Maybe I'm just a weenie when it comes to people invading my bubble. I've been known to get unusually flustered when people touch me during conversation or try to "cuddle" during a movie. But seriously, just don't do it. I hate it.

I know most people aren't like me in that regard, but I promise I'm not alone. Personal space is definitely cultural. For example, Haitians don't know what a bubble is and French people would rather not be within 10 feet of you if you're a stranger. Americans, however, have a nice mixture. Not too touchy but certainly more friendly. Or at least that's how it's supposed to be.

So. Let me break it down.

It is not culturally (in my book, and I am the leading expert of all things cultural) appropriate to:

a.) Touch people while talking. Unless you're trying really hard to get me to notice you or show interest, don't touch me. Don't try to carry on a conversation 2 inches from my face. Don't rub your feet on my legs. Don't try to hold my hand. It's weird.

b.) Sit right next to me in a row of empty seats. Seriously. If I even see you coming down the row and I have no idea who you are I'm putting my coat on the chair next to me. It's sooooo wrong. Leave at least 1 seat between us if you can help it.

c.) Talk to strangers in class. Or on a bus. Or in the hallway. IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME YOU BETTER HAVE A FREAKING GOOD REASON TO START A CONVERSATION. I don't know you. I don't want to tell you how my day is going. I don't want you to know how many siblings I have. It's annoying. Don't do it.


Fin.